A Letter To My Past Self

The Letter

Dear Past Me,

You will probably never read this, or even know of it, but I'm going to write it anyways.

I never thought that I would be like this. Feeling like a useless piece of dirt on this earth that gets stepped on over and over again. I guess past me was full of more hope than present me. A lot more optimistic and full of spirit. Sadly, reality had to hit us, and now we aren't as cheerful and go-lucky as we used to be.

Funny how life can change during the years. You will soon learn that writing and drawing is a passion that we adore. Books are our escape from reality. Poetry will be a key point in your life, and you will find out that the poetry you write will soon turn dark. That's okay though, because we entered one in a poetry contest. I don't know when the winners will be announced though. Writing poetry, and even writing itself, will save you in some ways. Help you to understand that life isn't a fairytale like we wanted it to be.

Our parents are going to become harsh on us. Not abuse, nothing like that. They won't understand anything that you will talk about. They'll start telling you to suck it up when you start to cry. They'll tell you things that you don't want to hear, but need to hear.

Grades. Grades are something that we are still horrible at. We are, though, getting better at things. FYI, don't take Mythology and Folklore in the future, or photography. Stay away from track and basketball. You love those now, but you will soon grow to hate the very thought of them.

Now, this is where things grow darker. This letter is not only for advice, but a warning. Your thoughts will soon turn evil. They will twist even the best of memories into ones of horror and cringe worthy thoughts. [Your thoughts] will turn into enemies. You will start to question your happiness. You will soon become depressed.

You won't tell anybody about it though. You SHOULDN'T tell anybody about it. I haven't yet, and I worry that no one will believe me. I still worry as I write this. Smiling will become harder. As a matter of fact, on Christmas 2015, you will soon come to find that smiling will be the hardest thing in the world. All of the amazing things you get, all of the amazin things you wanted, wont mean anything. All you want to do that morning is cry, but you have to hold the tears in for everyone. The happiest thoughts couldn't make you smile that morning.

The only thing that made me smile that day, was, not the laptop that we wanted for years nor the fact that we were finally able to wear eyeliner, but a simple book.

You see, in 2015, you started watching videos of two guys. These British guys would make you smile with their stupid puns, jokes, and laughs. They were the best of friends. I would love to have a friendship like these guys have. Yes, Dan Howell and Phil Lester came out with a book that year called  The Amazing Book is Not on Fire! Strangely enough, these two guys actually helped me forget about my problems, as cliche as that sounds. Many more YouTubers made me smile, and I would take forever listing them off for you. Just know, that many people will help you. Sadly, they don't even know you exist.

Music.

Your music taste will change for the better, although our mother would say otherwise. The genre of music will start to change once you start listening to Daughtry. This will take a huge leap, and go to Linkin Park. This band brings us to the Emo Trinity (Fall Out Boy, Panic! At the Disco, My Chemical Romance). Then, I start to listen to the genre called Punk, Rock, Metal, Scream, and so many more. These are the bands that helped me smile again. These are the bands that gave us the strength to save and believe in us again.

That's not the only thing that helps us. No, fandoms may ruin my life, but they saved us from reality. Many, many, many fandoms.

I am going to change the topic, and get into HOW I got into this. Yes, I know exactly when this started. This started with the friends we made in kindergarten. Back then, we used to play with My Little Ponies and pretend that we were sisters. Don't be fooled. Our friends will soon stab us in the back in the eighth grade. Then, you will start feeling depressed in the ninth. You will make new friends, but soon question the possibility of maybe they aren't your friends. I still question myself of this everyday.

I am well aware that my friends have a Wattpad, but I doubt they will ever read this. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know.

Pen and paper are your friends. Any writing/ drawing utensil, word, and paper are your friends. Keep them close by you, and don't be afraid to write your thoughts down. Even if no one else will see them. You will keep an amazing journal in the future, and figure out what you are most afraid of at a young age(14-15).

We have 7 fears right now, heights still being one of them. I don't think I'll list my fears right here. Who knows, maybe a stranger will find them and blackmail me, or threaten me with them.

Eh, oh well. I'm listing them.

1) Falling. Falling in love, fallen dreams, falling hopes. My façade falling and everybody seeing the real me.

2) Breaking. I am afraid that I will break down and cry. I am afraid that my walls will break down. Breaking  like glass, and loosing pieces of myself.

3) Thinking. This is for obvious reasons.

4) Silence. I am afraid of silence. If I sit in silence, my thoughts will beak through and it might just kill me.

5) Being Forgotten. Strangely enough, I don't want to be forgotten. I don't know how to explain it, but I am.

6) Airplanes. *shivers* Just airplanes in general. This, of course, involves height. So this is basically a two for one deal.

7) My future. Everything about my future. From who I want to be, to the actual future itself.

Hopefully, these will change as I grow older.

Now it's time for some advice.

Throughout Highschool, just keep your head down low, and talk only when you have to. This will involve not having that many friends, but the friends you will have will matter. Does that make sense? Probably not. Keep to yourself and you'll be fine. Statues doesn't matter once you graduate. Try getting better grades and DON'T EVER GET HIT IN THE FACE. THIS WILL CAUSE BLODDY NOSES AND TRIPS TO THE HOSPITAL. You laugh at this now, younger me, but just wait until you get older and start to wonder if you have a terminal disease because your nose bleeds easily. Seriously though.

Also, go to events. Not full on parties with drinking, but nice get togethers. Like church dances.

Speaking of  church, actually. I'm not even going to touch that subject. Its really complicated at the moment. I don't even know what to make of the situation right now.

Listen to the lyrics of the songs you listen too. Some of them may be funny, but others will matter. Trust me. A song that really helps me, well, two of them, are these:

Scene Two- Rodger Rabbit by Sleeping with Sirens

Therapy by All Time Low

These and so many more help me throughout my teenage years. Who knows, maybe I'll grow out of it because people keep telling me that it's "just a phase."

I hope this letter helps you. I hope it helps anyone who reads this since this is for public viewing, althiught it talks about my life.

Amazingly, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my chest.

Not all the weight. Like a trapped bird being let out of her/his cage, only to have her/his foot strapped to a chain that is holding her/him back from his/her freedom.

Does that even make sense? Yes, no, maybe?

Lastly, all I want to say is that you should stay the way you are, even if you are a walking oxymoron like I currently am now.

With that note, I will end this terribly written letter with a goodbye.

Love,

WeirdWolfGirl
          AKA
Hannah Hoop

(A note for readers: This is actually my real name, but please don't spread it around. This is the only time I will ever say it throughout Wattpad and this account. Thank you!)