There really is something to be said for the one who stands in the middle. The one who isn’t terribly incredible at anything, the one who isn’t terribly bad at anything. The one who trys everything just so that he may say he did it. The one who is never first place, maybe second but rarely ever first. The one who is simply an observer yet a participant only when the time is right. A balancer of emotions, thoughts, actions and intuition. One who values kindness over success and love over ‘proving a point.’
These individuals are great. They are fantastic in fact. Lonely maybe, but I think they are some of the best people in the world. They allow everyone a chance to be in their world and don’t judge them when they actually chose to join it. In fact, they go out of their way to make everyone feel comfortable and value these people’s emotions over their own because they know it’ll be alright. These balancers are often stepped on but brush it aside because time always moves forward. They are the light of the Earth and the most powerful force to have ever gone unrecognized.
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I find that sometimes I try to word things in a way that is unnatural for me. Yet when I let go and just trust the words that come to mind, things seem to flow together better anyway. I ran into an interesting situation today after arriving home. I sat down, I looked at the ceiling and just remembered. That was all, only for about 15 minutes but there were so many faces. I was entranced by the memories and the emotions associated with them.
You feel this immense trust and humility when you see the soul behind the picture. I look at these old photographs of my friends and I, or even just an old letter I received and I feel quiet. The deepest quiet I could possibly explain, like all of the observations I have ever made are extremely limited and my potential understandings of these beautiful people are limited because of it. I can’t see more than my own heart reflected upon their lips as they speak. A cyclical spewing of my preconceptions right back at me in an effort to prove their relevance… I think it’s time to let that go. People are an ever evolving soundscape of experience and I don’t want my own thoughts to get in the way of that. Now, I am aware that my thoughts and limitations are a part of my experience but I believe it is time for allowance. Allowing for everyone to be anything at any time; including me. I keep referring back to these photographs. I see the frozen eyes, the frozen hearts and the slow beating clock telling me my story as I live through it. I am here. In absolute silence. And I wonder where I stand… If I even do stand? Those frozen eyes will always be looking through me, telling me that I am always and never where I started. The pictures reclaim the mapped emotion-trailings of one day too far in the future and a moment stuck too far in the past; yet always moving with me.
It seems to me, that I am perpetually located at a distance from life and it is flowing directly in front of me but I am yet to take part in my own destiny. I spend so much effort trying to follow my intuition and do the right thing for me, yet it seems I only encounter my own decisions with moving mirror lips. I’m always outside of me controlling a body so that it may have the best experience possible… but what do I experience? What does the character really see? I guess the only way for me to truly embrace ‘real’ and become an inclusive part of reality is to understand that my reality is an emotionally influenced perspective. Each day I will feel different and subsequentlyallow everything to be as it is. Everything, including me. Allowance is an old concept but it just feels like at this point in time it is represented in a different light. It’s not just allowing things despite what you feel, it’s allowing yourself to feel despite your allowance.
I feel happy these days. I must be doing something right. I think the future is bright. Before I was so afraid to take on the challenge of my path but it seems as though I have started to embrace it. The fear is fading. The need for control is fading. To answer the question; I do stand. I am surrounded by the silence and the stability of all four walls. In the stability of the pictures, the memories, the books, the shelves, the cars, the trees, the people, the Earth and the stars. As alone as you feel and as integrally unbalanced as you may perceive yourself to be; the universe is perpetually right now. You’re not alone. It is okay.
Alive is probably the strangest word one could come to describe. It is an emotional evolution and I guess it will remain within its own element: emotions. Free of words and descriptors. I like to think that the median man is one who has discovered the relevance of cross-bridging where we reside, so that we may stand together within 'alive.' Life is a concept only known by those who live. It is a slowly shifting note spinning through the sky on lifelines created simply through the abrasion of a carefully positioned glance, the meticulous containment of a sustained vocal chord and one or two missed chances. I am not cold. I will extend my hand to the open palm of a life’s true journey. No more waiting, no more carefully crafted excuses. This is where I stand, eyes closed, on the precipice of the ocean front. Grounded in the particles of sand we call love and falling to the sea we aptly entitled forever. Fear is relevant but so is courage. It is okay to miss and to be missed. It is okay to let yourself fall. It is okay to feel your feet slip, as long as you feel the wind rushing by your cheek bones lifting your eyelashes as you strain to keep your eyes closed. As long as you smile and know that beyond the expansively bright reds contained within the skin-folds of visual obscurity, there is a blinding sunset and a reflective infinity telling you that when you do open your eyes… You’ve already started swimming.
