Love, Matty. Xo {Follow on from Dear, Matty}

// Love, Matty. Xo // - That day.

I'd just gotten back to Manchester.  

It felt like a lifetime since I'd been back. Properly, back home. 

Mum had been nagging on at me to stop off in London first, to spend a bit of time with her and Louis. But I just couldn't. My first thought was you. For some 'unkown reason' - at the time. But now I know why. Because of what you did. Because you did what you did. Something inside me knew that something wasn't right. Something in me triggered my mind to wander back to you. As though it was desperate to alert me.

But it was too late, wasn't it? I was.

I knocked on your door. Impatient? Excited? I'm not even aware what emotion was cursing through me to tell the truth. I just had this sudden urge to see you. And that smile of yours. Those mesmerizing eyes. You, Natalie. The girl I'd always loved. My best friend. My soul mate. It was always you. Everything to me, was you. You fucking made me.

I ended up sitting outside your house for a while. I dunno, an hour? Maybe pushing on two. Not that I cared. I'd have probably waited all night just to see you.

I remember sat in the car, thinking ' I wonder if she still remembers how I take my coffee' For a while, I feared you could have forgotten about me altogether. 

But my biggest fear came to reality. Knocking the life out of me when your parents arrived back.

I just assumed you'd gone out shopping. Maybe visiting relatives. 

But the car slowly pulled up into your drive way. And instantly my eyes searched the back of the car for you..... ' Shit. Maybe she has a boyfriend now. Fuck, she could be inside the house with him now, while I'm sat out here. Looking a looney. That or desperate' I thought. Embarrassment thrashed into me. I even began imagining what he was like. I wanted to meet him. To know he was making you happy.

But my huge, excited grin, just from seeing your parents, swiftly turned into confusion. 

Your mum. She was hysterical. She finally rose her head. Her cheeks were soaked. Her eyes were swollen and scarlet red. 

I remember the car coming to a sudden, emergency stop. And your dad trying to pull her into him. But she wouldn't allow it. She just... attacked. Her arms flew up. Throwing blows to your fathers chest as he just tried to hold her. As though she was a fragile ornament and he was ever so desperate to stop her from shattering. 

Her scream traveled all the way across to me. Piercing through my ear drums. Chilling and cold. Causing my skin to prick. Turning the confusion to sheer panic.

For a few seconds, I couldn't move. I was desperate to know what was going on. I know I'd not been around much. But at one point, Nat, your family was my family. They are.... Were, now. - But my legs refused to move. My arms refrained from allowing me to open the car door.

Something was wrong. I knew that.

But out of everything that ran through my mind of what.... I never thought it could be this.

I waited until they eventually got inside, before knocking to be faced with the painful, agonizing realization. 

"Get him away from me!" Your mum screamed. Like I was some murderer.  (Guess i am though?)

"You need to leave, Matthew" Your dad said as calmly as possible. But his voice trembled. His words were shaken. His eyes stared down into the pit of my soul with sorrow. 

I laughed. I was nervous. You know how I get. I didn't know how to react. I didn't know the truth at this point.

"What?" I asked, nervously. I told them, Nat. Told them that I'd only come to say hi to you. It's not like we'd finished on bad terms. Your parents knew this. So why was I receiving the cold treatment from them?

"Don't say her name. Don't you dare speak her name!" Your mum threatened before quickly running towards me. Most probably to attack. If your dad hadn't had grabbed and stopped her.

My heart started beating faster. Thumping and hammering against my chest. Like it was ahead of time and already knew what was about to come from his mouth.....

"We've just got back from the hospital, Matthew" Your father's voice whispered. Like the words were to painful for him to say.

"What?" Something hit in my chest.

Nausea attacked me.

I became numb.

My lungs suddenly starved of oxygen. It was painful to breathe.

"Where is she?!" I demanded to know the exact same time those words left his mouth.... "Natalie's gone, Matty... She took her own life" He held in a breath as his head dropped. The pain across his face.... I can't even begin to describe. The shock that ripped through my heart... I can still feel it now. Attacking me. Slowly killing me.

I shook my head vigorously. I couldn't even bare to take my eyes from the ground. "No. No she's not!" I shouted in anger. My chest heaving. Anger taking over and weighing down on my chest. "Why? Why are you saying that?" I demanded to know.

"Because of you! You did this. And I'll never forgive you" Her words slapped me across the face before she collapsed in front of me.

"You need to leave. Now!" Your dad spat. After seeing your mum drop to the floor.

The door slammed on my face. It didn't. But with what I'd been told. It felt that way. It felt more than that. Like a double Decker bus had just crashed into me at a 100mph. Like a mountain had just fell on top of me.

Now I can't breathe.

Now I'm in darkness. 

Why, Nat? I need to know why!

Love, Matty. Xo