Dear nightmare,
Nightmares my mum called you. She gave me a name to call you."You'll grow out of them" she told the tear stained face of me in my youth.
But Mum why did you lie to me?
For you did not have not and probably will not leave me for all the years I wake. Creative mind my dad always said . But why be punished night after rancid night for have a creative mind?
You replay over and over as the night turns. And even though I know you ,step for step ,move for move , each time you wake me with a start, in a pool of my own sweat, with bated breath at stupid am as the house lays at rest. Why was I cursed with you?
I lie through my teeth to those who love me for you, they haven't been bad this week I'll say. Lie. Oh I slept alright last night. Lie. Haven't had any in a while. Lie. But what good does it do to lie? Non at all ,however,through my misery I don't want to cause stress among those that love me.
I have come to love my alarm clock, for it brings me from you. I hate sleep with all my might but night after night the need for sleep lulls me into you. Some times, if im lucky, i will wake from you before you start tearing into me. Before the horrors really begin to play out before me.
When getting asked by my best friend if I would like to stay around theirs I often answer in a frail no. For fear of you, and not being able to be calm myself down without aid of my family.
For I am being punished for a crime I didn't commit. By just looking at my face you wouldn't be able to tell I'm sick, but look in my eyes. They hold my secret, silent suffering.
I struggle with you. Have done since I was old enough to remember and recognise what you where. everyday I'm getting better, getting stronger. Find new techniques to fight you, or ward you off. I try to keep stress free- apprently that helps. As a full time student it can hard to do so.
You come and go. Sometimes I will go without you for a few weeks and think I'm getting better, but then you put me back in my place with awful reincarnations of my deepest fears displayed through my sleep own paralysis. I hate you.
You are a burden to my life. You make me paranoid and scared at simple things. Why must you terrorise me to the point of breaking? Even at age 14 i wake with you so paniced that i shake and cannot breath that my parents have to help me calm down. Even at age 14 you havent left me, my mother wished her word true as much as i always have. I will continue wishing you gone until you are, for i will not live my life scared to go to sleep. I refuse to play victim to my own sub consious. I think thats the worst part actually. the knowladge that it is my own body doing this to me as i try and get rest.
You are a childhood bully. A parasite that never left me. You are a burden on me, a bag full of memories ,images I want to forget, but you constantly pull one out every night you join me. Adding to the weight of the bag I carry for you. i want to let go.
I am ready for you to leave nightmare old friend.
Yours forever,
Rebecca.
