November 27th 2012
I stop in a coffee shop and buy his favorite; espresso. I try to distact myself from the surrounding and fish out a small black notebook out of my bag. I think back about the decision that I made days ago which was turning around from meeting my lover. Did I make a good decision?
Well he hurt me but I loved him and I think there would be pieces of him that I crave. I stare to an empty white of wall thinking if I was brave enough to turn back like that, I am brave enough to forget him. It is not his text that I will miss because he barely even text me after around three weeks, sometimes he would just disappear and I am left behind with the feeling of losing. Now that I am used to it, I am able to let him go. I hope.
There are times where you give up on the people you love, not because you don't love them anymore it's because maybe, just maybe, the love they give back doesn't value much as yours. Every relationship has that one person who loves more and in my case, I am the one who suffers the most.
People say if you truly love someone you will always continue on loving them no matter what happens, who comes, and when it happens. Even if they don't love you back, you continue.
But don't you get tired of it? when you give too much and all they give back is a speck of dust.
I tuck my hands under my chin and dream away thinking the good possiblities that could have happened. I walk out of the coffee shop leaving my espresso half drank. I couldn't drink it anymore, every sip I take is like a trigger of missing him.
Missing him hurts and there is nothing I can do about it except crying in tangled sheets that still have the scents of him.
"Honey, you don't go to school?" My mom, who is surprisingly at home pop her head over the open fridge door.
"School's dismissed. No reasons," I say running upstairs.
"Guess you're just lucky," My mom chuckles.
Two years ago when I met him that day, I was so happy. I thought he was different. Well, he is. But I guess he was the kind of different that no one could understand; even when the sun changes and the moon dies. If you could easily leave people who hurt you, wouldn't love be a funny thing?
What if I didn't turn around days ago, would I still be in sorrow like this or would I be happy?
But I just can't because the pain he has caused leave scars.
He always vanished when we were together, maybe he felt like he already had me, I wouldn't slip away from him. Yes, I would not and I could not.
I collapse on my bed and stare at the ceiling.
What is he doing right now?
Loving another girl.
No way,
Yes, probably.
And I hope if he loves another girl, I hope he treats her right, more than the way he treat me.
I try to fade away my sadness into a beauiful disaster by turning the music as loud as I can.
Regrets fill my heart and pounds against my chest, it is like given a very good opportunity and you're not sure if you have made the wrong or right decision. Should I have just continued walking so that I could meet him and I would love him a little bit less so the pain is also a little bit less? But you can't love someone a little bit less. You either love someone so much or not at all, it is as simple as that.
