Last Visit

The Visit

I sit on the bench silently for a moment, pondering what to say to them. I haven't spoken to them for a while. It hurts me to know that I haven't - the fact that I've ignored them for this long without coming to say a single word to them.

"I'm sorry it took me so long to come visit you. Had this been easy I would have come sooner but I wouldn't know what to say," I tell them quietly.

My eyes flick up for a brief moment and then I'm looking back down at my shoes. A light breeze begins to blow the tree branches from the oak tree above me  and makes its leaves to rustle. The chill of the breeze causes me to shove my fists into the pockets of my coat.

I turn my attention for a brief moment towards the beautiful clear sky and the bright sun beyond it.

"You used to be my best friend. I remember the day I met you. Even though it was so many years ago, I remember it,"  I smile softly at the happy memory. "You came up to me and asked me why I wasn't swimming with the others. You made fun of me because I was afraid of the water, but you helped me anyway. You tempted me to get into the shallow end and you'd tease me and laugh at me until eventually I was in the deep end with all the other kids."

It's a silly memory from my childhood but I treasured it anyway. I still do.

My gaze moves back down to my shoes. I let the memory replay in my head. It always cheers me up and makes me smile. Sometimes I wonder what I'd be doing or what it'd be like without having had them in my life. Would I be as good and happy as I used to be? Would I be like I am now? Sad and angry? They did make me who I am today.

"You were always there for me. You chased away those bullies at middle school, you encouraged me to join clubs and try out for sports teams. You encouraged me to do so many amazing things that I never would've done. In freshman year..." I trail off as my breath hitches and my chest tightens.

I sit for another moment being quiet as I try to recollect myself. After a moment I decide to skip that part and talk about it in a minute.

"High school was amazing because of you. My best friend. You! You were always there whether you were sick or a few states over... you were always there for me but I was never there for you..." My heart begins to sink and become heavy with guilt.

It's difficult to speak. I look up at them for a moment and bite my lip, wondering if I should continue or just leave. With a sigh I try to stand up, only to realize that I can't. I'm rooted to this spot.

My breathing quickens as I rapidly become more and more upset. I let out a scream of anger and frustration and slam one of my fists against the oak tree. Pain shoots up my arm and I shriek in surprise. This all hurts so much!

It takes a moment for me to calm down and to look at them again.

"I should've been there for you! I should have known something was up. It kills me everyday to know that I did nothing to help you!" I shout in frustration.

I suddenly sink down onto the bench with my head in my hands. It feels as if the winds been knocked out of me.

"I should have helped you. You did everything for me and I did nothing for you. I didn't even know you were suffering. I didn't know they'd done those things to you. Why didn't you tell me?"

The silence kills me. It's like I've been stabbed in the heart. My body feels like lead and I hate it. I hate all of this.

"I loved you!" I choke out angrily.

Angry that I never told them that I loved them. Angry at myself. I'm so furious at the fact that I could have done something but I didn't.

"Why did you have to kill yourself?" I ask, flicking my eyes up to their tombstone.