The Pinecone Killer

Entry 2: Heartless

March 17, 1963

I didn't always want to tie people up to a chair and force them to listen to Stabat Mater. On the contrary, I thought I'd turn out to be more of a Moonlight Serenade kind of person. Honestly, I find that piece to be a bit too pretentious for the "I'm going to kill you in 5 minutes, so please listen to my favorite song before you die" situation. Stabat Mater  truly makes love to your ears, and stimulates your mind in a way that no combination of sounds can. I highly recommend a listen, especially when reading words from a killer. (Or killing).

I know you're probably wondering about that time I fell out of the tree. As unfortunate and painful as that was, nothing was ever the same following that. After spending a few days recovering in the local hospital, I began to think and see things differently. Hell, the entire thing happened because I had an idea of a far more superior version of myself. The kind of man I wanted to be. The kind of man that is a flawless work of art. A remarkably untouchable, incomparably immaculate human being. I knew the moment that I woke up, that this is what I wanted, and why this all happened. 

Humans are such fragile creatures, but I felt like a statue that was pulled over by God's Angels, only to be completely re-sculpted more perfectly by the Devil's Minions. I didn't feel human. I most certainly didn't feel fragile. Why did everyone worry so much? The nurse (I think her name was Jackie) was so kind, it made me feel nauseous. I only smiled at her because she was absolutely stunning. Furthermore, the Dr. suggested staying in bed for a week longer, as I had hit my head quite hard. 

"You're young, you've hit your head, and we just want to run a few psychological assessments to make sure everything is working the way it was." he insisted. 

What a smug fuck. I smiled and looked down at his stethoscope. Does he even use that? I mean, It's good for two things; hearing a heartbeat, and discovering the lack of a heartbeat. 

"What's it like to try and save someone, only to fail and watch them die?" I asked, while smiling.

He looked at me in the same way your parents did the first time you asked them a question about sex. The man couldn't tell if he should be honest, or lie. Either way, he was clearly uncomfortable. Oh I loved it. I continued smiling and said,

"Is the patient still a patient, or do they become your victim? I mean, technically it IS your decision, Doc. Hell, maybe you like it. Maybe you like the feeling of power you get in the occasional 'there's nothing we can do' moment. Tell me Doc, what's your favorite thing about surgery?" My heart was fucking racing. Oh god, I've never felt like that before. It felt like I could say anything, and he would shrivel up into a raisin and get eaten by a pigeon. 

"For your information, Mr.Vasali, I am NOT the Doctor here, I am a Physician's Assistant. I don't know where you get these ideas, but frankly, I think you do need serious psychological evaluation. " he said assertively quick. He turned on his heel and left abruptly through the double doors of the ward. I let out quite the laugh. A few nurses looked over in my direction for a second before going back to their duties. Why is everyone so serious? 

Nurse Jackie came through the doors and told me to lay back down. I liked the way her hair was up and how I could see her neck. I asked if I could see one of the stethoscopes, as I lied and told her how I was interested in a career in the medical field. It was heavier than expected. I put the ear tips in my ears and placed the diaphragm of the stethoscope against my chest. I heard a heartbeat. My heartbeat. Listening to it was beautiful, and it made my heart beat even faster, and faster. A reminder of my mortality and time here on earth as a human. 

Stabat Mater played loudly on a record player down the hall. What a thought. That if I really, really wanted to, I could stop this beat. Better yet, stop the beat of another. As simple as stopping a moving record. The music was at an absolute crescendo, and while I heard my own heartbeat, it's when I knew I was actually heartless.