I went out of my room to search zara, whom I haven't seen from the time I came to hostel...I searched her in all the rooms including the mess department, but she was nowhere...And then I went to her hide out, and heared a knocking sound in the dark...I turned on the lights and saw her playing with knife, placing it in between her fingers and shifting to another, with blood stains over her both hands...I didn't ask her to stop what she was doing, because I knew, asking her to do so will make her more angry...I sat quietly while she asked me to leave the place and not ask questions...It wasn't only she, but everyone hated my questionnaire, because they feel, it makes no sense or may be because they get their aanswers in it...
When she got tired doing so, she looked at me closely and asked "What did I do?", and as usual I loved answering in funny way "What did you do?"...And then our conversation started...
Zara: Tell me...
Me: You need to tell me, what has happened? And doing these stuff, has it calmed you down?
Zara: A little bit...
Me: Yeah a little, you can't say NO because your ego might get hurt...
Zara: Meshaallll...
She said making a baby face...
Me: Zara, listen, doing so you ain't going to get anything, you will be just hurting yourself and doubting your love, which can leads to incurable...
She was silent, and I knew, this couldn't set her mind...
Me: Tell me, why did you love him?
Zara: I don't know, I just fell, no reason may be...
Me: What would you do if he was still with you?
Zara: Still with me? I would try my best to be the girl he wants and give him lots of happiness and ...
Me: Can't you give that happiness staying away from him? Nobody love the other to make them sad, they want the other to be happy...
Zara didn't move neither spoke but kept staring at her hands, which bleeded badly and I watched her watching it, I didn't apply any first aid, so that she could watch it carefully and not repeat that again...I started to move out when I found no reply from her side, but sat back, when she said,
Zara: I saw him with another girl...
Me: So?
Zara: He was smiling...
Me: Are you jealous?
Zara: No, I am not...
Me: You are...
Zara: *silence*...
Me: Are you jealous because he was with another girl or because he was smiling?
Zara: With another girl...
Me: No, you are sad because he was smiling, you are sad that he is now happy, you are sad because he is fine now...
Zara: No, I am not, I want him to be happy, but with me...
I held her wrist and asked her to look at me...
Me: You want him to be happy, it doesn't matter if it's because of you or not, you should be happy watching him happy because he did not love you to make you sad, neither did you...And hurting yourself, you will be hurting him and crushing your feelings to losing the purity of it...Keep your moments alive in its form, it will help you to get better and know things better, but sometimes when you look back, it may hurt you badly or make you mad, but you have to calm yourself because when he comes back or stalk you, he should find you and not the other you, he should not regret for whatever negative changes happened, he should feel proud watching the positive you without any changes...
I couldn't talk anymore as I started to recall my past, I stood up to move while her next question made me mum for a moment...
Zara: How come you know all about this?
I smiled and replied back...
Me: Because I had somebody, who showed me the meaning of Love...
I went to washroom and locked the door, keeping my hand on my mouth to shut my crying voice, I sobbed...I banged my head to the wall saying "No, don't think about past, do not think about past", my cries went harder and harder as everything flashed back, making me shiver with cold...The only option left with me was to sleep, before it get worse...
I slipped in my blanket, wrapping it around my body and covering my head to feel the heat and to reduce the vibration in my jaws...Then I extended my hand to the table where my cell phone was kept, I took it and surfed his name to catch up his latest news...I then spoke a little to his picture and gave an imaginary hug and closed my eyes before the screen turned off...
-me$hal-
