The Trap of My Mind

Complicated-Avril Lavigne

I was so freaking tired that night.

I really could only remember the weight on my eyes. Slowly drooping...drooping...

My light of my laptop glared at the ragged sight of me. My plaid pajama pants, my unwashed hair,my boyfriend's University of Virginia sweatshirt. It's heat kept my leg warm even though it was heating up for a bad reason. Too old. Oh well.

My eyes told me to sleep.

But the rest of me longed to write.

To vent.

Due to the late night or hormones or the fact that my friend had recently had his heart broken, depression seemed to fill my brain. It was times like this when I felt it most.

Alone.

Late.

Especially when my mind was on high alert and seemed as if it had no purpose.

Just write, I told myself. Just write, vent it all out.

I could feel it seeping into me. Just sadness.

I toyed with the strings on his sweatshirt and not for the first time today doubted myself and the fact that it was actually possible my man loved me as much as I did him.

Ugh. I needed my therapist.

The clock on my laptop hit 1:53. An odd number. I hated odd numbers, especially three and seven. Yep, it made me anxious. That was my O.C.D. talking though. I hoped that my meds would seem to work more. My brain seemed to wake up more the longer I stayed awake as the rest of the house slept.

Then I felt it. The familiar deep, dark hole that was my mind. I felt my brain quickly move into the twisting motion. My thoughts went in circles driving my fingers to type faster. The thoughts kept swirling and swirling deeper into my psychological warfare.

No more, I thought to myself. No more!

But my thoughts got lost in the other paranoia.

I needed to calm down. I needed someone to help me.

So I climbed out of bed and ran next door.