Life and Death

Just Talk

So I just want to talk a bit in this update. If you are even the teensy bit interested then please continue reading. WARNING. I will talk about cutting and anger and a whole lot of other crap that may be very triggering for some and if at all you feel like it may bother you then I beg you not to continue reading.

In my last update I said something along the lines of I wished I could just cut and I don't even remember what else right now. To start off, I do not cut. There have been plenty of times that I've wanted to so bad because I felt like giving up and even dying. I made myself a promise years ago. My grandma works at a school and she told me stories of kids cutting and how horrible it and them were. It is how she has been raised. I was young at the time... maybe 12. She told me "Don't you ever do that. Don't you mar up your beautiful skin. You are too good of a girl for that." It scares the living flip out of me. I'd never even known that there was such a thing as cutting. I barely knew of suicide. I promised her I wouldn't. That day when I went home I wrote on some stationary a note to myself reminding me of my promise. I wrote "Dear Beth (last name), *insert other notes on paper here* Don't hit or cut self. AND LOVE YOURSELF *insert other notes on paper here* Love, Beth (last name)" I still have that note. (I'm currently looking at it) This has been a strong hold to for me all my teen years. I do not have anything against cutting. That is your business and your body. I wish you wouldn't though. The day I posted my last update I got into a fight with someone. They hit me in the face. It didn't leave a mark. They checked their swing so they wouldn't hurt me as bad. It startled me. I don't care that I was hit. I'm fine. It hurt my pride more. I want to shove it in their face that I'm freaking better than they think I am. So I have a temper. I FREAKING KNOW. I deal with trying to control it every single day. It made me so upset with being hit, my pride, and some things that were said that I have never wanted to cut so bad in my life. I wanted to prove something. That I'm not good. That I'm broken inside. I wanted that person to see me and how sometimes I just feel like I'm slowly dying. I wanted them to see the lines and yell "Do you see?! You have caused this!" but they didn't. At least not totally. I would be the one to cause me pain. It would prove absolutely nothing. They would just call me crazy and cart me off. (If you are still reading this then you are probably thinking the same thing.) This sounds so trivial and barely anything compared to what others go through. Some of you have horrible home lives or whatever it is you go through. Thinking about that is another reason why I still hold on. But sometimes I just think... I am always so strong for everyone else. I am always the first one there for the person that hit me. I am a go to listener for many people. I don't tell their secrets and they leave a tinge happier. But even the strong ones aren't really strong sometimes. I wrote something ages ago and it is called...

Strong Ones

Just because there is a strong one there to hold you when you fall doesn't mean that they never fall themselves. Just because you have someone there to shoo away your tears doesn't mean that they never cry alone. Just because you have someone beside you during the battles doesn't mean that they don't battle alone. They have tough times too yet do we ever help them when they need it or are we too wrapped up in our own selfish lives to care. Those strong ones will one day break and then who will be there by their side? I will be the first to say I will. I will hold them through the battles, help them up when they fall, and be the one who catches their tears. I won't let those strong ones go it alone. Cause one day... A strong one will need you.

Sometimes I can't take it anymore. I am both a strong one and someone who needs a strong one. I think everyone cycles through both of those in their life. Some are just stronger than others. I shall try to do my very best to stay strong. If it is a bad day then please... someone stand strong for me. Tell me that I'll make it and remind me of my promise. Tell me to stop hiding from my bad memories and to cry every now and then. Tell me that a little bit of crazy never hurts and that you'll be by watching to make sure I don't lose my balance and fall over the edge.

I don't even know why I decided to write all this. I've just felt pressed to write something. I had to get it out. Maybe I'll regret posting it... maybe I won't. I don't know yet. I'm ending this now though with these final words. Hang in there. If you need someone then I'll do my best to be there for you. Even if it's a bad day. Take this invisible hug and keep it with you. Take it out when you need it and be reasured that someone out there somewhere cares for you. No matter what. Thank you for reading if you made it this far. :) Bye.