The Fear Of Falling Apart

A/N: okay first off, im in love with Panic at the discos new single "This Is Gospel" and i just had to express my feelings for it (and of course what better is it to express your love for something through writing? ) so I'm about to be attempting my first song inspired phanfic ^^ not sure how its going to turn out, but here we go c: i take no credit for patd's lyrics. they are rightfully theirs.

This is gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories

Dan sat at the edge of his bed, head in his hands as the shouting continued. The echoes of Phil's yells and cries bounced off his walls, almost suffocating him in the endless lies he told. They swirled around him, haunting him while the memories of him and Phil together would soon be set to fire. He hadn't meant to cheat. No one meant it when they were drunk and alone sat in a local bar. A couple of drinks and Dan had more than a few guys and girls hitting on him. With his drunken state of mind, it felt as if he hadn't had one ounce of control left in his body to stop himself. The guy he cheated on with Phil tried to contact Dan, asking for a "round two." But before Dan could explain and apoligize for his drunk self, Phil ended up finding out.

He didn't even know what to do at that exact moment when Phil found out. All he knew how to do was sit there like the pathetic and useless person he was, not even bothering to defend himself. What kind of person would cheat on the one they truly loved? The one who could actually see both the inside and out of you?

Moments had passed on and soon the flat went completely silent. The silence to him was utterly terrifying and the only thing Dan could hear was the aching of his non-deserving heart.

this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

Bringing his hands up to his slightly curled strands of hair, he began to angrily run it through them. If only he hadn't been so stupid. If only the guy he slept with had said no. If only he could be strong and at least tell Phil how much he actually meant to him.

When gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds 
But they haven't seen the best of us yet

A small tear escaped his eyes, the miserable and pained look upon his face slightly fading. A kind and gentle voice inside his head egged him on to go out there. To face Phil. He honestly didn't know if he could look at poor Phil's mournful, innocent face. The one he had betrayed. And to just look him in the eyes would be agonizing.

Although with a bit of self motivation, which he didn't have very much left of, he pushed himself up off the sunken bed and slowly crept over to the door. His ear was leaned against it, trying to make out some noise in reassurance that Phil was still out there, but instead got nothing in response.

A hand was placed to the knob of the door, turning it to pull the door wide open. His desperation had gotten to the best of him and he started to quietly sob once he saw nothing or no one in sight. Not even his precious, his one and only Phil.

"Phil, please," A choked and needy voice was heard, but only to bounce right back at himself. Dan felt himself slipping, grasping onto the wall for support but it refused to hold him. With a loud thump, he had collapsed to the ground. The realization swept over him. Phil wasn't here.

If you love me let me go

"Phil, I know you aren't here. I know that you're probably out there catching the nearest taxi to get the hell away from me. But I need to admit, not only to you but to myself that I.. I-I lov-"

"I love you," Another voice spoke from across the hallway. Not only was the voice choked and tearful, just like his own, but god was it beautiful. The voice he knew oh so well, the voice that would and always be owned to his Phil.

"I love you so, so fucking much, Dan." The voice cried out to him, before the both of them finally broke. Dan wouldn't wait another moment before pulling himself off the ground and running down to the end of the hallway to meet Phil's embrace. His arms wrapped around the slightly shorter boy's waist as his lips crashed down onto Phil's softer ones full of need. The kiss wasn't out of lust or romance for that matter, but full of the pain and desperation of their broken relationship. Small gasps and breaths of air were taken as neither of the boy's refused to let go of the others lips; afraid they'd loose each other yet again.

It didn't take long for the subject of Dan's cheating to pop up into Phil's mind, which quickly ended the passion filled kiss. When Dan had finally looked deep into Phil's eyes, he noticed the hurt and the misery that swarmed them.

Just by looking at Phil's eyes, Dan knew why they looked as if each moment Phil looked at Dan, suffered him.

"No, no, no, please Phil. Please don't do this." Dan whispered, his whole body numb. He could feel Phil's body detach from him and gradually move away from him. It was then when Dan had finally noticed the packed bags sitting by the door of the flat they use to call "their own."

'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars

Dan watched, silent tears slipping down his cheeks as Phil picked up his packed bags with one hand, his other reaching for the knob to escape himself from the flat and into the real world.

And truth be told, I never was yours

The gentle slam of the door told more than what it had meant to do, leaving Dan in hysterics and Phil alone to fend for himself while he was away.

Phil didn't know when he'd be back, or if he'd ever be back. It killed him, mentally and physically each time he glanced into those molten brown eyes. No matter the distance, no matter the doing, Phil still loved Dan. And Dan still loved Phil.

The fear of falling apart..