2012 || phan

2012

Dan
12:00 am

Dan couldn't sleep, so instead, his thoughts went (immediately to Phil) wandered.
(Phil. The ray of sun. Phil who was the human embodiment of an angel. Dan's best friend. Or was he? Does Dan even have the right to say they anymore? Can he? They've been growing distant. Dancing around each other. Pining, but not knowing how to admit it).
Dan sighed, then rolled to his side. (He didn't want to think about this. Fuck it, he didn't want to go through this. If he could only suck it up and just tell him. They could go back to normal. They could be Dan and Phil again. Not.... whatever this was. This wasn't normal. He couldn't do it anymore. He was breaking down). Dan covers his head with his black and white checkered covers and focuses on the noises from the traffic outside.

Dan
1:00am

(He was thinking about Phil).
(He was thinking about Phil).
(He was thinking about Phil).
He was thinking about Phil.
Dan needed him back. He needed his best friend. He was slowly but surely becoming insane without him. Without Phil, what was he? The last three years of his life have centered around Phil. So why wouldn't the rest of his life be, too? Dan and Phil against the world. That's what they had said. And it seems too horrible, too awful, too much like the tragedy of a fairytale for it not to happen. No, this can't happen, not now, not ever. His mind overtakes his body and he begins to weep. He sits up and lets all of his emotions out.

Dan
2:00am

Dan thinks about everything Phil has done for him for the past three years. God, Dan was such a mess. So broken. Lost to the world, already forgotten, but then Phil came along. Phil saved him. Phil made him happier. Phil gave him gifts, made him smile, supported him. It seemed unfair that after all they've been through together, that they would no longer be friends.
Dan began to think about the past Christmas, and smiled. Phil had given him a packet of glow in the dark stars. Phil had said that since he got scared at night, he thought maybe Dan can look at those and not be as afraid. Dan appreciated them, but he never got around to putting them on the ceiling. Dan pushed the covers off from over him. He has work to do. He starts to assemble the stars in the order of Phil's name and when he is done, he smiled at his work. He lies down, stares at the stars for a while and then thinks for a bit.

Phil
3:00am

Phil couldn't sleep, so instead, his thoughts (went immediately to Dan) wandered.
(Daniel James Howell. The most beautiful human being on the planet. Dan was his best friend. The key word is was. That word will be the end of him. That word will break him. He can't stand it. He can not stand not being able to talk to Dan without feeling awkward. He hates not being able to be open to him. He can't stand not being able to laugh with him. Not being able to talk to him).
(Phil was thinking about Dan).
(Phil was thinking about Dan).
(Phil was thinking about Dan).
Phil was thinking about Dan.
He has been thinking about Dan for three hours straight. He misses the old times with Dan. Making pancakes, playing Crash Bandicoot and Sonic, and his favorite time together was the Philisnotonfire video when they first met. He flips over on his right side and plays that day over and over again in his head. He starts to cry remembering when they first met and he wishes it was still like that.
He had to fix this. He had to.

Dan
3:00am

He had to fix this. He had to.

Dan and Phil
4:00am

Dan couldn't stand this anymore.
Phil couldn't stand this anymore.
Dan opened his door.
Phil opened his door.
Dan looked up and saw Phil.
Phil looked up and saw Dan.
They stood in silence, staring at each other.
Little ray of sunshine do you think that we are done?
Dan thought.
Oh my little moon, are we ending this too soon?
Phil thought.
The quiet was violent.
"I'm sorry", they whispered in unison.
Dan noticed the tear stains in Phil's cheek. He had been crying.
Phil noticed Dan's bloodshot eyes. He had been crying.
Dan invites Phil into his room and Phil's eyes and smile brightens the whole room as if it was daytime. He is in awe of what Dan has done for him. They both stand under the stars, waiting for each other to say something, but all they can do is stare.
Dan whispered, "I miss you."
Phil smiled, "But I'm right here," and kissed Dan softly on the lips.

The pair has ups and downs after that, but never as big. They learned to tell each other what is bothering them, never allowing what happened in 2012 to happen again.