My B+ Short Stories

Incorruptible

This is my most recent short story, from a few months ago. I found this task pretty tricky, so I'm not particularly proud of this piece of writing. It took me a really long time, because I wasn't happy with my idea and I kept writing and rewriting. We were given a stimulus sheet with a theme, and that theme was 'Monsters and Men.' After a really, really long time planning and thinking, I finally came up with this. Feedback will be written underneath.

"Grandad, where are we going?" Little Kira McDermott tugged on her grandfather's hand.

"You'll see, sweetheart," he replied. They trudged across the enormous green field until they came to a clear blue lake. Kira squealed in delight as her grandfather led her towards a pretty wooden picnic shelter. A gingham tablecloth covered one of the tables and a delectable looking cake was set in the centre. The words 'Happy Birthday Kira' were spelled out in chocolate icing across the frosting covered top, and ten unlit candles marked the years of Kira's life. The young girl and her grandfather sat down at the table and surveyed their surroundings. The lake and the field belonged to the government, but no-one ever ventured down there. They were alone.

Finnian Connolly had always been close to his granddaughter. Kira's parents were often away, and she seemed to live on his small property in Killarney more than in her own Dublin home. Finnian liked it that way - the girl was friendly, loving and kind. He loved her like she was his own daughter, so when the man came with his proposition, he refused without a second thought. The visitor had been quite persuasive and his words were clever - but still, Finnian could not accept. He loved his family, more than anything. Except...

The man had offered him something more, something that tempted him. Yes, Finnian Connolly was a family man, but this visitor had known that his situation was such that money could persuade him to do something that otherwise he could never have even imagined. How much money? Five hundred thousand euros - more than enough to get him back on his feet. It was true that money had been tight, but was it enough to do what this man suggested? Finnian hadn't believed the stranger - no, not at all. Or had he? He had accepted eventually, telling himself it was only the promise of payment that led him to this decision. Others would have found this appalling - called him a monster even - but to Finnian it was a better thought than the alternative. Did he really think that the gentleman had spoken the truth? Perhaps. But at any rate - it was done now.

He had had it planned for some time, making sure it was exactly right. He'd explained his plan to the visitor and the next week he had received the necessary materials. They were packed in his bag a week before Kira's birthday, to ensure he couldn't renege on his promise. And there they were at the table - the moment had arrived.

Kira looked so serene, so innocent. She was smiling peacefully as she munched her piece of cake. Finnian almost abandoned his task right then and there, but he remembered what the man had said.

"She's insane - she'll hurt someone before too long!" he'd exclaimed, "She's not right in the head, it's the kindest thing to do."

But Finnian did not think so. He studied the syringes carefully placed inside his backpack. Three, each with a different function, designed to make death as swift and painless as possible. Yes, that was his task. For the stranger had believed that Kira posed a threat to those around her, that she was psychotic. He looked over at Kira and began to lift the first syringe out of the bag. He drew near to her and spoke softly.

"Close your eyes, sweetheart, I have a surprise for you." She did so and he inched the anaesthetic filled needle towards her arm. He stopped just a centimetre from her shoulder and could not go any further. So he retreated. He quickly placed a small present on the table and breathed a sigh of relief. Instructing Kira to open her eyes, he sat down and watched as she laughed, experiencing her childhood, as she should.

Whether or not the man was right did not matter. Kira was only ten - she was not a killer. And no matter how much money Finnian had been offered, he was not one either. He was good, moral, honourable. Not incorruptible, but, as he thought to himself, it would take a whole lot more than five hundred thousand to make him a murderer.

My teacher said that she thought that I wrote well, and the overarching theme of my narrative fit the theme well, the story in general didn't really make sense. I completely agree with her - and that's why I don't particularly like this story, even though I spent several weeks on it. It just doesn't make sense, and I think that's the problem with me - I'm not very good at realistic or plausible ideas.