Offscreen 『RinXLen』

02: Complex Lie

I bite my thumb as I sit curled up on my bed. It's been nearly ten minutes since I've gotten on Connecting and brainstorming became my number one priority. From now on, online I'll be known as a fictional girl named Lenka Kagamine. A fictional person. I couldn't be more elated.

Everyone says to just be yourself. But every single time I heard that phrase since I moved, whether it be school or internet, the repeated thought "What if I don't like myself?" would come to mind. Can I really just "be myself" if I don't truly love who I am? I would think no, but looking back at the amount of times I doubted myself, who would believe me?

Besides, I feel like this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Not the actual "experience" itself (I could make hundreds of fake accounts if I wanted), but the sensation. Excitement that jolts through my entire body just thinking of what could happen online--who I could be.

It was the one reason I was brainstorming. Coming up with a personality for this individual I call "Lenka Kagamine" had to be the best thing I've gone through over the course of three months.

I stare at the screen and begin filling in the blanks.

"Lenka Kagamine..." I recite aloud as I type, "age... fourteen. Location..." My mind is having a mental debate over my location--if I could handle inputting Japan or my real location North Carolina, or maybe just another country altogether. "North Carolina. And my interests... music, reading, and partying."

Perhaps Lenka could be the opposite of me. She'd be more audacious, outgoing, talkative, and a gigantic social butterfly. She gets good grades and does what she's told in school. She's independent and strong, and when she wants to live a little, she'll go and be the life of the party.

I hit the Save button and I'm automatically driven back to my profile page. Just then I see the word "Gallery" thrown in as another little option to click by my picture. That reminds me: I need a profile picture. At the moment it was one of those anonymous images they give you: a light blue background with the blue silhouette of a person. All I needed were some pictures--or at least a picture--for my account and I'd be set.

I type up a few words in the browser and casually scroll through all of the images. Maybe I could have been more specific than "girl" or something of that sort, but that wouldn't come to bite me in the back later, so why bother? I look past a few, none of the images matching my description in mind.

Soon after five minutes of searching, I'm fed up and decide to use the next picture I see. One that I stumble upon just happens to be a picture of a girl with a blond ponytail, taking a picture of herself by the reflection in the mirror. Blond hair, same eyes as me? Lenka is supposed to be my opposite, not the same. But because I'm wasting too much time, I choose to stick with it.

I breathe out a heavy sigh and let the weight roll off my shoulders. It's something I'll soon regret, but it's something I'll get used to. I use it as my profile picture and at last I was able to cross most things off my list for Connecting, (thank gosh pictures in your gallery were optional.)

I sprawl over the bedsheets with my stomach up to the ceiling, and upside down I stare at the digital clock screaming 2 o' clock at my face. I sigh and reposition myself once again, this time lowering my laptop's screen to meet with the bottom keyboard.

If I really wanted, I could have proceeded with Connecting. But as I was able to convince myself to wait until I'm fully awake, I might as well try to make my sanity normal. It would have been futile anyways--there's nothing much to do online right now.

As much as I didn't want to wake up to school next morning, at least there was one thing to look forward to.

O . o . o