A Series of Unfortunate Events: My Life

{ chapter 2: all the hurt in the world }

The worst feelings in the world would have to be rejection. Hurt. Sadness. But the worst – emptiness.

The two people I really have a craving to talk to, I can't. One is dead. The other, not applicable. Not applicable boy, is featured in the previous chapter, while the other? He's my grandfather, and he died two years ago.

Now, why can't I talk to someone else? I can, but there's a few reasons.
The only person I felt truly open to talk to is no longer around. He's not dead, I haven't lost his number, I just can't gather the courage, or the motive to talk to him.

And grandpa? I miss him so much. I haven't talked to him properly in over two years, let alone seen him. I want a hug, I want him to call me his little lady. I want him to be alive and see my triumph in life. Sadly, I don't get that luxury.

Back to the topic; emptiness.

There has been no sign of emptiness in my life – up until now, that is.

When grandpa died, I felt sadness and anger.
When I was told I couldn't play netball, sadness and anger.
When I lost my closest friend, I just couldn't stand myself for letting this happen.

However, when a series of unfortunate events happen, such as the ones above, you tend to just feel empty. Not that there's nothing to live for, or no motivation, you just feel empty. You show no emotion at all to anything. Bad day? Don't care. Good day? Yeah, there was none of those, but there wasn't a care in the world. Got an A on your test? I didn't care. Nothing mattered to me, and still doesn't to this day. Everybody wants to feel something, whether it be love, happiness, joy. I want to feel something, anything. Other than miss the two people I can't have, I feel nothing.

Right now, I feel all the hurt in the world, without feeling anything. As confusing as that is, it's the cold hard truth. I haven't felt a thing in a few weeks. I've tried talking to a counsellor, he and I talked about my feelings, which didn't help since I'm not one to be open about them. The only I person I was honestly open with, is the one I haven't spoken to in ages. He broke my heart, told me he had no feelings anymore, up and left. Whilst leaving me heartbroken, and still loving him.

Nowadays, I don't trust anyone. I don't forgive people as easily, but most people don't need to be forgiven because I don't give them the chance to hurt me.