Here it is. Everything. Something to leave behind once I get the courage to leave.
Point blank, life is not something I wish to pursue anymore.
And I am writing this to organize my thoughts surrounding the upcoming event, and also just map out as to how I found myself here in the first place. I know I am not normal. These thoughts are not normal. I am in pain, but at the same time I am so unbelievably numb.
It is almost like I am numb to all of the good things. The things to stop the pain. They are no longer roadblocks or stop signs. Now, after my mind did some remapping, I have a clear drive into the unknown.
What happens after we die has been a question that has been passed around through cultures and the minds of humans for all of time. If you are religious, the answer is simply in the hands of your God. And I can promise all of you Bible thumpers out there, when I do slip off the edge I will land in hell. Because according to your God, I am a sinner. I think your God sends those who commit suicide to the great sea of fire merely because you did something that he could not control. Almost like when a child, or unfortunately a grown adult, gets angry over losing a game. God laid out the game board, set up the pieces, and waited patiently at the other end of the table. Strategically watching your every move, and making sure you follow all of the rules EXACTLY how He wants you to. But when you quit the game, you're ending his game. You're simply refusing to play. And that, my friends, will piss any child, immature adult, competitor of some kind.... off.
Now, I know some of you HAVE to be religious. And that, is okay. However, me personally, I despise organized religion. It never made sense to me, and it actually added to the emotional mess I am in right now. But we will get to that chapter later, because this story has many.
So, back on track. Ah, yes. "What happens after we die?" If you ask me...
nothing.
People mourn, people cry and blame themselves, God's get pissed off, and people are left with those emotions until they manage to accept it. But for the person who died, well, in my brain they don't think. They can't describe to you in detail the way it felt after their heart stopped beating. The feeling after your final breath leaves your lungs and can not be caught again. Your soul is merely a figment of imagination for those who lose you, because they will try and find a way to cope with your absence. That is what I hope happens after you die, because I am tired of thinking, and fighting, and breathing.
I know what you're thinking. "Why would you want to cause that pain to those around you? To those who love you?" Here's the thing, I feel as though missing me would be easier than me being around. I cause trouble, I stir things up, I fuck up more times than I can count on the fingers of the entire population of my city. Maybe what used to be my world. I just am not meant for this planet anymore, and I hope after reading this you understand, and you can casually flip me a peace sign (or a middle finger, I would understand both) as I'm being lowered into my grave. Also, as I have stated before, being alive is not what I am good at. It is not a game I can play, so apologize to your God to me once you get up to your Heaven.
I feel as though some of you are still irritated with my casual smart-ass remarks on religion. Well, sunshine, dear, sweetheart, you are reading a suicide note. OF COURSE I am an atheist. I don't fear a big dude wearing a bathrobe in the sky. I don't think I will burn in hell when I die. Sorry. Just like many things, including myself, I can not believe in it. Maybe religion is too hopeful for me. I don't want to feel hopeful or happy anymore. I just want to feel nothing. I can not imagine what that feels like, but I hope it is better than what I feel all the fucking time.
Over the course of this little book here, you will understand. You may not like it, but you will hopefully understand. That is all I can hope for. I did not want to leave this Earth without a proper goodbye. So, here it is. But before you can understand, you must be familiar with a little big place called my brain.
It is very complex, but maybe it could make sense if I do a good job at explaining it.
Take for granted of the fact that you can close this book whenever you want to and never pick it up again. I, however, only have one option of leaving this place. And I think you all are very aware of what the solution is.
Here it is.
