Remedy

Chapter 2

I realized it in about the third grade when all my friends had crushes on girls, but I found myself with crushes on my guy friends. I never told them this though because I was raised to believe that homosexuality is wrong. The older I become the more I realize that this isn't something that can be remedied. This is not something that I can make simply disappear, as if it was never there. It's not that easy, but I wish it was.

I made the realization that I really don't like girls last year when my first kiss was with a girl. The kiss was awkward and bad. I was imagining kissing a guy the entire time. Needless to say, I haven't kissed anyone since. I don't know what to do now that I know that I'm gay. I feel like my family should know, but I don't think my dad would react well.

The only person that I've told is my best friend, Kaylie. She's also the girl that kissed me. She has known that I'm gay longer than I have. She only kissed me, so that I would realize it too. She is amazing. She is one of the smartest people that I have ever met, and she is incredibly pretty. She has a face that even angels would be jealous of. I am jealous of her sometimes. She has bright, blue eyes that tell her every secret. She has a smile that shines so bright that it should come with a warning sign. She is a bigger girl, and she has the biggest heart. She is so kind and compassionate, yet she is so spunky and driven. She doesn't try to hide who she is, and that is the thing about her that I am probably the most envious of. She is openly bisexual and very outgoing, which is why my dad hates her. That's also how I know that if he found out that I am gay, he would hate me too. Therefore, he can never know.

The problem with being newly gay is my "gaydar" is weak. I can't tell when other people are gay, but, to be fair, I couldn't even tell that I was. My first ever crush was on a boy named Taylor. He was the smartest kid in the third grade. In the third grade, I was a lot less superficial. I only cared that they were nice or smart, but now I care whether or not I think we will look good together. I try to pretend that I don't, but I do. I care way too much about appearance. Maybe it's that I care too much about what people think of me. I don't know.

Anyways, the guy that I like right now's name is Liam. We talk all the time, and we are good friends. However, I don't think he knows that I'm gay, and I don't know if he is. Even if he were gay, would he even like me? Not even my own mother liked me enough to stay. Why would he?