Three Sixty

Chapter 2

I hadn't ever understood pain like this, it was agonising and heart-wrenching and it was consuming me whole as I pulled his duvet around myself so much shame engulfing me and I let sob after sob wrack through my body as I tried to drown out the sound of him talking in the corridor.

"Josh-" The girl's voice was fed up, "What the fuck do you mean nothing happened? You both slept in the same bed –"

He sighed, "She was drunk, I brought her home, end of."

"I can't trust you," the girl's voice cracked, but she was more composed than I ever was. "She's your ex-girlfriend, this isn't normal Joshua."

"Hey," Josh's voice was calm, and I knew he was holding her as my stomach churned, "She doesn't mean anything to me," he paused, "I love you."

Just like that pain was igniting inside of me, filling every crack and crevice and there was so much of it I didn't know what to feel anymore. It almost felt like my feelings were drowning me, they were imaginary weights pushing down on my chest and I couldn't even breathe. She doesn't mean anything to me, She doesn't mean anything to me. I tried clamping my hands over my ears, but that's the thing with voices in your head, they don't go away. Nothing mimics the feeling of drowning more than seeing someone you love, love somebody else.

"Ava," Rough hands had cupped my face, "Hey, breathe." I heard him say as I opened my eyes and found myself obeying him as I took in a hefty amount of oxygen before exhaling.

I pulled away from him, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand "I need to go." I stated not asking.

"Are you not even going to thank me?" he was getting angry, his words were like darts aimed straight for my heart.

I got myself out of his bed, shaking my head, "Thank you for what?!" I almost found myself screaming.

He raked his fingers through his hair before standing up, "I brought you home Ava, you could at least show some gratitude."

I scoffed, "All of that stuff last night," I stared at him, "We nearly slept together and you have a girl friend?!" I had to close my eyes for a brief moment because the images were clear in my head, like home movies playing on a white canvas and I didn't understand why I couldn't get myself to hate him.

"You didn't exactly stop it Ava, did you?" he shot back.

I stuck my finger into his chest, "I didn't know you were seeing someone, don't try and blame me."

He through his hands up in surrender, "It's my fault isn't it?" he turned away from me, pacing the length of his room, "It's always been my fault, everything is, isn't it? It's never you is it?" he laughed bitterly and this was the side of him I hated; obnoxious, manipulative, mean.

"I didn't say that," I mumbled, picking up my scattered clothes off his floor. I grabbed my dress from last night, throwing it over my head.

"I'll drive you home," he said finally. "I'm not letting you go home like that." he told me.

I shook my head, "You're not my boyfriend." and I didn't think it could ever hurt this much to hear words come out your own mouth, "You're not responsible for me."

I turned away from him and started making my way out of his room, my phone clutched in my hand, trying so hard to stay composed just until he couldn't see me anymore. But he grabbed my wrist, and pulled me back towards him, his eyebrows burrowed. "This-" he yelled, moving his arms between us, "Is bullshit." his voice was hushed. "Why are you acting up like this A?" he finally whispered, his chocolate brown eyes boring into mine.

I pursed my lips not wanting to speak, but he nudged me with his shoulders."You're manipulative," I screamed, tearing my arm away from his grip. "You fucking hurt me, over" I sobbed, "and over and over again." I looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop my tears, but I was so pathetic. "And it doesn't matter how hard I try," I had to breathe, "I can't get myself to hate you."

"A-" His voice was so intense, so frighteningly full of pain I could feel myself staggering backwards. "You know I've never meant to hurt you."

"It's a toxic cycle Josh," I rubbed my hands roughly against my cheeks to wipe away the tears, "We argue, we break up, you sleep with someone else, you apologise and we get back together" I put a fist to my mouth but failed, hot, salty tears running silently down my face. "It is so painful," and getting these words out coherently when my thoughts were all tangled was seeming impossible, "to watch you with all these girls when you promised me a future together," and it felt like someone had yanked my heart out of my chest and was ripping it to shreds. "6 months ago we were talking about how we would make it work while we were at university, and how we were going to buy a tiny cottage away from the rest of the world because we didn't need anyone else when we had each other," I gasped out in-between dry sobs, "and we were talking about what we would name our kids." I chuckled softly because I was so stupid for ever giving him my heart. "And now, I overhear you telling some other girl that you love her." I finally breathed out, because the quieter I said it, the less real it sounded.

I let myself slide off his bed, rocking myself forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards, in a slump, dejected, swollen, broken. He came and sat next to me, his knees pressed against mine and I could feel him breathing from beside me, and we sat in silence for what seemed like all of eternity until he finally laced his fingers through mine. "There is nothing," and he grabbed my face so I was forced to look at him, "nothing in this world, I want more then to spend the rest of my life with you." he whispered, his lips close to mine but not quite touching.

I pulled myself away from him, "I can't keep doing this." and I managed to catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, all my imperfections, my puffy eyes and mascara streaked cheeks, all the tear stains everything I never wanted him to see.

"Hey," his voice was hasty, "You know we can work through this, we always do."

He didn't understand. I don't want to work through it again I wanted to cry out.

This right now, this very moment was the turning point in my life. It was so simple; I controlled my happiness and no one else could help me achieve it but myself and it took every last ounce of strength inside of me to push myself to my feet, and walk out of his room for the last time without saying a word.