The Lost And Lonely

How It Starts

      I was hiding. I was hiding a lot. No one seemed to realize it but my life consisted of a spiral of events that caused me to feel weak and useless. Unloved and worthless. The shadows were the only ones who knew and the only ones that would ever listen to me cry myself to sleep almost every night at the thought that I would never be enough... for anyone or anything. Every boy I went out with would dump me or cheat on me and i grew tired of the thought of love. There was no way out.
       I was adopted at a very young age and found this out when I was in the fifth grade. I thought i was the only one on earth when i found out. Left by my biological parents to be alone for the rest of my life with no one to love me, not even my own blood. In the seventh grade I begin to have what i would call anger strikes. A completely random point in the week were I could feel my body shift both physically and mentally. Almost automatically my anger would cause major damage to anyone within pains reach. Fights were a constant for me no matter if it were physical or verbal. If anyone had anything to say they learned to keep it to themselves because they saw what i was capable of. Since it started, kids were afraid of me and it only grew worse with time. I had plenty of friends, but for what. They were even afriad of what I might do to them if they ever crossed me.
        In the summer going into my freshman year, my biological mother went into labor with her my third sibling, another boy. She walked out of my life then and it was hard to handle the thought that she would leave me... again, alone and unwanted. I would cut myself and attempted suicide more times than i could keep track of. Now most guys won't even appreciate what I have to offer because of  the scars on my body.
        I feel a constant emptiness inside of me that shouldn't be there. Its been there for a long while now and I guess it decided to encapsulate me over time.  To think that it all started with one thing being bottled up after another. Either way...i still believe it couldnt have been prevented.