I am Poly: A Guide for Non Monogamous Relationships and Life

Lost & Fading

Do you know about the one awkward kid that you probably ignored in Middle and High school? Well that is basically who I am. Everyone says that having some few loyal friends is better than a lot of unfaithful friends. And in some ways that statement holds up. But in other ways it gets lonely. Especially when those friends are not really accepting of others. Trying to find out who you are doesn't exactly help that either. By now in High school there are so many couples in the hallways. The amount of PDA is bothersome to me, someone who doesn't mind PDA too much. Part of it is not having some relationship yourself. That empty feeling. The one that worsens as you see the halfway porn in the middle of the hallway. I'm how you say not the most confident person.

It usually takes only a single look at someone to realize that they are not in my league. It happens every time. It's my way of protecting myself from heartbreak. I'm not a pessimist though, I call it being a realist. I am ready for the worst case scenario just so that I don't let myself down. Everyone else believes that I'm depressing and need to be happier. But they don't realize the protection I'm giving myself by doing this. This realization came too late. But how did I get there? Well this is the story of my past l, present, and future. It's how I became who I am right now. I think now is a good time to mention my name. My name is Lynn. I'm 15 years old now. And like I said this is my story. We begin in 2012, my 6th grade year.

For the entirety of 6th grade I was content with the idea I was homosexual. I was attracted to men after all. It seemed like a natural and logical conclusion. At the time I didn't think I'd ever fall for a female. Because my experiences with girls in elementary school was not exactly positive. There were two cases of girls trying to chase after me. I didn't like either back and tried to get them to stay away but they were so persistent. Looking back to that time I just brushed it off and assumed that I wasn't able to like a girl.

I began to realize that I'm not comfortable with my body. I had to research what there was out there. I knew that heterosexuality was not the only sexuality but so had no idea what the others were. At the time I had am idea of myself but felt like I needed a label along with it. So I go online and look up sexual orientations and discovered Bisexuality. I saw that it meant you like two genders and considering I have had feelings for a guy prior I assumed that was what I was. For a while I was sure of myself. Until the one day in the 7th grade I began to question why I date who I date. What do I want in a partner? I asked myself for a while but sat on it due to preoccupation with school.