I did not look into the mirror. Not once in four years. Four years means a lot of time. But inside of me there's an abyss that I don't wanna to fall in love with. Usually people have demons inside their almost empty closets, well I've got an abyss. Now I know it. I know it cause I did it, I did it once again: I gave a look to the mirror. It wasn't frightening, actually I think it's a great thing.
I roamed these streets almost every night. I know every inch of this town. I know every gut, I know what kind of streets are not safe during the night and the ones not safe during the day; I know what people were looking at when they saw me down the streets: a black spot, moving from A to B, commuting to nowhere and always in a hurry. I can picture myself pushed against the walls of this stupid town, in the darkness, breathing heavily and deeply while I was just trying to escape anxiety, with pills, with alcohol, with everything I didn't needed, I took my life so seriously, too fucking much seriously, everybody used to call me Oz, cause it rhymes with odd, I took also that, too fucking much seriously.
You know, when you are constantly bombed from disharmonic inputs, you start to disembowel your soul by yourself; when your brain founds always a constant "white out" it generates inputs, did you know that? If you're confined into a totally white space, dressed with white clothes, and every sound you make is trapped into invisible white cones in the ceiling and in the walls of your room, and you are feed only with, let's say white rice, that you must eat with your white fork and spoon and knife, well eventually in that situation, your brain starts generating inputs by itself and sending them to itself, like an email you send to yourself to remember something, your brain tries to do the same thing, it tries to remember how normality is, or was at least. So you start to see things and people that simply aren't there at all! You could call it "going crazy" but is not really, is something you automatically do to maintain your sanity. That's just what I did in four years. I tried to keep my sanity alive.
I tried to quit drinking, I tried to quit smoking, I tried to start vaping and I also tried yoga and jogging, I went so far from home that nobody would have noticed my disappearance, I tried to confine myself behind four walls, for four years. Nothing lasted. Nothing was really helpful to my cause, to feel better. I've tried love, I thought I was in love. That wasn't the true one, I fucked all up, we fucked all up, we're all fucked up anyway so fuck it. I tried speed I tried cocaine, I tried heroin I tried every fucking thing before you ask, it just isn't my thing.
I just want people to see.
I've found this old videocamera, and now I will use it. To show anyone how much they deserved my silence. They must pay. I know every dark corner of this fucking town. And the abyss is calling me out loud now. It's time. The drums are beaten by the hands of thousands of billions of demons screaming my name, my real one. The war is on and it never damn changed. It's time for me to show to the world, who they've been able to build.
A dark. Infinite. Abyss.
