I feel like i screw up to much. And tbh i dont like the feeling. I really just wanna learn how to control myself..its hard sometimes. I sit here wondering everyday "how can i better myself"..but yet i still struggle. It really bothers me but, theres not much i can do for myself tbh. All i can do is try and try. Better said then done sometimes. But no matter what im still going to try. Try as hard as i can. But i still feel like a screw up. Like i just wanna quit with the bull shit. But still its hard. I really just want to be me again. I lost who i was years ago. But i found who i was a year ago. I lost myself again 6 months ago. I just wanna try and be me. And like sometimes i am me. Other times i feel like a monster. And honestly being a monster isnt exactly fun. Some people see me as a monster one day. Then the next im an angel. But like i feel like im looked at more like a monster then an angel. But i still try. My attitude is through the fucking roof rn. And personally i hate it. Im trying to keep myself under control. I use to have to protect myself. Now i really dont have to but i still do. I got in the habit i guess and i really really want to get out of it. I shouldnt have had to be turned into this. Yeah i guess you can say i was "happy" i guess you can say my life was "perfect" but deep down i was scared and nervous. Cautious of my every move. I cant even walk around without looking over my shoulder. My heart nearly stops when a door opens and i dont know who it is. A fucking door. I dont get it. I only feel safe during certain times. Those times are when im with him. He makes me feel safe and protected. He makes my heart feel at ease. I dont pay attention to the rest of the world when hes around. I seriously cant feel any pain. And I literally give him so much shit and i wish i didnt. I honestly hate it. I hate it so much. Its really bad. I hurt him with my words and then wish i could take them back. But once they are out there...i cant take them back. And hes still there. Honestly i dont know or understand how. But he is. I just wish i didnt screw up so much. I hate being in fear all the time. Its taking a tole on me. Which isnt good at all. But hes there. And i want to get better. Not just for me. But for him. So i can make him happy. Cause i really want to. I want to be happy with him. I want to be happy with myself. Ive always hated myself and still do. Ive been bullied a lot. So i understand why i am the way i am. But at the same time its not healthy. But i seriously want and need to stop. Because i cant lose him. Not again. I finally got him back and i dont want to go through it again. I feel so connected with him. Mentally. Emotioanlly. Physically. I feel like hes meant to be there. And i dont want ti make him let go cause of the way ive been. I need to fix this. Monsters suck. Being one honestly sucks even worse. But theres always a way to fix yourself. Right? Im just gonna say yes.
