...life

..........

who knows what life has for you. they say liye is full of surprises. they say embrace your life. i dont mean to write negative but everytime i remind myself that i should look at the positive side, i dont see anything that is positive. i know i overthink, i know i m pessimist. but who wont be if all the surprise in her life are nothing but things that leave her, people that leave her and things that dont ever work out the way she wants them to. everytime she tries to convince herself that "okay! i got this one straight" little does she know that it wont be the same a few moments later. she rejoices it, but then ends up right where she started. i know others have got more serious issues, i accept that. but i have got issues too, and im dealing with them. well actually, i have been dealing with them since long now. they tell me to stay put and that things will eventually fall into its place. but no, they never did. Or just when i could see a ray of hope? it was taken away from me. tell me then what should i be hopeful about ? why should i believe in things and why should i keep faith. whY? if things cant ever stay the same, why should i keep trying for ? i dont feel like doing anything for myself. and as weird and depressing it sounds, i dont want to do anything for myself. as far as i can recall, never have i done anything in life for myself. never. my life has always been about others. it has always been about what people think about me, if they talk to me, how do i please them, how do i keep caring even when all i receive is a good-bye or maybe a bag full of shit. that has been me and no matter how conciously or how hard i try to do things for me, im not able to. its more of pretence game for me, where in i go smooth but in the end loose it all. i dont feel like doing things for me. this is where people interpret that i dont love myself, and i started believing in them and started thinking about it so muc that i actually think that i dont love myself and i absolutely give no fuck about it. but now as i write it, i just realized that i do love myself and my way is weird. my way of loving myself is making others happy, doing what they want, my way of loving myself and making myself happy is by keeoing my people happy. i can remember of all those things where i made people happy whih made me so happy and made me feel so light that i would actually think of doing more for them. so obviously if you are going to be so easy, people are going to take you for granted and i dont have the right to complain or fret about it. but i never asked of people for their life, maybe just a bit of time and a bit to try to understand my nature. and if i would complain, i would be called someone who lives in "self-pity" becaus e the world is not so kind and you have to keep your shit together to keep it going. why am i this way? theres only one reason that always comes to my mind for this. and that is my family. my family is just like a normal one but we dont share love directly. so when i was a child, my dad would get me little gifts from work and give me everything i would ask for. as i grew he continued that but something added to this which was DOUBT. he would never trust me and keep a check on me. and it grew so wuick that in no time he started behaving like a freak, trying to control my life. i remember i would tell my sister that i feel like a puppet and my wings are in my fathers hand. my mother, it was never a problem with her untill i was a teen and we had weird issues i cant even recall, but what i would never forget is her words. things that she told me will never leave me and i think i am going to hate her forever. but to add doubting was her thing too. so in this history there is nothing concrete i can remember of love, because my father was not with us half the time and my mother was... i dont know. so when you dont get love you start looking for it and you get deoendent or maybe you open yourself completely to someone who is kind to you and BAM! you live in self-pity, you are an emotional fool, and you are weak. and it gets worse everytime, but you please them anyway because you need somone and you are desperate to be with someone. so i woukld reason this for my pityness.

i have tried staying strong. i really have, but i keep on losing things and i no more want to be positive and hopeful and faithful. things have changed so much and they have changed me so much that i feel lost, and no matter how hard i try, i get more complicated into this business and now i feel like im noone. one time im a hardcore caring person and the other moment i wont give a shit about you. one moent i feel like i can do it all by myself and the other moment i feel like broken. i have tried hard and now i give up from this day on. i know they say only you can make your life better, take charge for it and start it and fight the battle because you are alone in the end. now i dont even know if i need people in my liofe or not because when i have them in my life i push them away and when i dont i stay alone. no i dont try to get people in touch with me. its not an ego problem for sure. and those who are there in my life, i have tried with all my life so much and i care about them so much that i dont have anything back. its just me. its funny to me how everything i wrote could have a positive turn but its end with a "not"

not to forget that somethings are better than what they used to be, but that wont help me enough. i have tried ending this life but i lived. but i see now reason to live and i really dont want to. there is nothing i want to do in this life because i am lost. i have no control over anything because my body controls me and it would be just amazing to leave this body behind.