Descent Into Madness

Day 365

I suddenly wake up.

Cold sweat. Shaky breaths. Another nightmare.

I slowly sit up, then lay back down on the bed. I try to sleep, but I can't. It's been like this for quite a while now. A year, to be exact.

Every time it happens, it's for the same reason. Cally.

Calypso "Cally" Banks was my best friend. My closest ally. My first love. She was my guiding light, my calming wind, my soothing lullaby. She was both the 'crazy' and 'stable' in my life. She was everything I could ever ask for. 

Now most people would wonder why I would have nightmares about such a great person. The thing is... I lost her. 2 years ago she vanished from my life. I heard she died from getting hit by a bus at a blind corner. The news hit me hard. I was blank; an empty shell. Suddenly my only reason to live was gone. 

I tried drinking away the pain. I tried immersing myself in the Internet, trying to forget everything. It turns out, some things just can't be erased. The pain of losing your first love and best friend? It leaves a huge gap in your heart. 

But it wasn't till a year after that when the nightmares came to haunt me. I met this new girl. We became close. We would bond a lot, and I thought 'Hey, this could work' so I went for it. Turns out she felt the same way, too. So we started going out more often. 

Unfortunately, tension built up between us once she found out about Cally. I thought I moved on from her, honestly. But it turns out that the girl I was with felt that I was still madly in love with someone who I couldn't be with. And it wasn't only her, everyone around us thought the same.  Soon I came to realize that she would only be hurt because of me, so I let her go. 

It turns out that a girl's intuition isn't usually off the mark, after all. I looked for myself for a few weeks, and I found out, she was right. While it's true that I did fall in love with other girls, I questioned whether I was actually in love with them or if I was in love with the feeling of being in love. Every girl I found attractive, I would immediately (subconsciously) compare to Cally. My feelings for Cally were still there, still strong. And now they were haunting me.

Since I can't go back to sleep, I sit back up and check the clock on the nightstand. 12:07 am.

I decide to go for a walk around the apartment. That didn't calm me down one bit, so I decided to watch a few short movies. That didn't calm me down either. I decided to do some push ups and squats to tire me out, but I only managed to strain my arms and legs in the process. I check my clock again, 1:55 am. Only 1 hour and 48 minutes have passed.

I get up and make myself some cold coffee. Not that I need it, I just have nothing else to do. Suddenly I remembered how she would drink so much coffee and go hyper and she'd tell me all bout it, then we'd have a good laugh and I'd warn her not to drink too much. If she were here with me right now... No, I mustn't give in to the memories. 

I go out to the balcony after I finish my coffee and just sit there for a while, feeling restless and alone. I could still see the stars at this time. I wonder if Cally's up there somewhere, looking back at me? I wonder what she would've said if I told her I loved her... No, don't think of things you can't change.

I go back inside and check the clock once more. 3:34 am. How much more time do I need to waste?

I lie down on the couch and listen to music. Damn, even my playlists remind me of Cally. 

I just stay there, listening to every single song that brought back the pain and the memories. I just listen until the tears start streaming down my face. I just listen until the pain wells up and the memories all come flooding back. It may seem weird for a 19- year old to be lying down on his couch crying like a kid so early in the morning, but I'm used to it.

I stop crying a few hours later. I check the clock one last time. 6:20 am. I decide to stay at home the rest of the day, maybe buy a few bottles of alcohol and drink myself to sleep tonight.

Day 366

I wake up at noontime. In the kitchen. On the floor. Damn, what a hangover. 

Last night was not one of my best nights. Then again, I've never had a good night ever since 2 years ago. I was extremely drunk, hysterical, crying, and mumbling stuff about Cally over and over. How do I know that if I was drunk? I have this habit of recording myself just so I know the stupid stuff I do while I'm drunk.

I just lay sprawled on the floor for a few more hours, then I stand up and drink some pain relievers and a lot of water. I always come prepared for hangovers, since they've been happening a lot. I believe that's the 3rd time this week. I'm pretty sure it won't be the last, though.

I check my clock, 4:23 pm. I think I should go out a bit to grab a bite or something, since I'm all out of groceries.

As expected, grocery shopping was a nightmare. It just reminded me of how much I missed shopping with Calypso. Oh well, she's gone. No use moping at a department store. 

I immediately go home after shopping. A few moments later my phone rings. Funny, I forgot I even had a phone. Haha.

It was Cally's brother and also my good friend, Clarence. He was checking on me, since I've been gone from work for a week now. He's telling me that I need to come with him tomorrow for something important. I just agreed to everything he said, since it's be too much work to ask any more questions.

It's already past 7 and I haven't started cooking yet. I decided to simply microwave some pizza I bought earlier and have that for dinner. Cally loved pizza... *sigh*

I go to bed a little before 8, since I was still slightly hungover and I figured I needed the rest. I drift off to sleep, off to face my nightmares.

Day 367

Clarence arrives at 6 in the morning and forces me to wake up and take a bath. I do as he says, and 30 minutes later we arrive at our destination: The cemetery. Immediately a sickening feeling starts to grow in my stomach. I know what we're here for. Who we're here for.CALYPSO. 

Clarence walks by me to a beautiful marble tombstone with the name 'CALYPSO S. BANKS' engraved on it. I fall on my knees in front of the tombstone. I place my head on the cold marble and let my tears fall. Clarence just stands there. We stay like that for a few moments until Clarence taps me on the shoulder and motions for me to come closer.

"She wanted me to give this to you. She actually wrote this while she was in the hospital, a day before she passed away from her injuries." He said, handing me an envelope that said 'To: My best friend; From: Cally'.

I stare at the letter for a while, not knowing how to react. "She told me that you should read it right here, so she would see how you reacted." Clarence tells me.

I grab the edge of the envelope and tear it off carefully. I slowly pull out the piece of paper inside. On it was Calypso's familiar, but shaky handwriting, which makes me miss her more.

"To my dearest best friend,

I know that I don't have much time left. And I just wanted to let you know that I feel very lucky to have met you. Somehow, you keep me grounded. You make me feel special and loved. You make me feel wanted.

I also know what you've been wanting to tell me. We're best friends, how could I not know? I want you to know that I accept your feelings because I love you too. And I want you to be happy, even if it's not with me.

But who am I kidding? You're too stubborn to move on. I know you. And I'll miss everything about you...

Maybe we'll see each other again, in this world or the next. Or even the world after that. Just know that I love you. Take care of yourself.

Love, Cally"

That was it. I broke down in front of Cally's grave.

"I love you." I said in between sobs. "I love you so much, Cally."

So I wait for the day that I will see Cally again. I'm happy now. And the nightmares didn't bother  me anymore.