Music In the Woods

Chapter 3: Explanation

He sat on the same bench as before. He was drumming his fingers against his leg, tensing when I called out his name.

"Hi"

He said it so casually. How could he say it so casually. I blinked once, slowly.

"Go on." I thought I saw him smirk a bit.

"I thought that night was a one time occurrence, but it happened every month like clockwork. I learned to have excuses and go outside at the right time. My life went on, but I was scared and alone. I was 12 and I was keeping a horrible secret from everyone."

I rolled my eyes.

"If you're trying to make me pity you, it's not working." He shook his head. He began to tap his foot, his leg moving a mile a minute

"My mom's schedule got pushed back and she started working the midnight shift. She was home when I would sneak out and eventually she got suspicious. One night, 6 months after the attack, she followed me out into the woods."

I tried to think of what my mom would do if she had been in his mom's position. I couldn't imagine it.

"It was a particularly dark night. Thunderstorms had been rolling through all day and the clouds were heavy in the sky. I wandered into the woods like I usually did, climbing over fallen branches far enough in so no one could see me. The wind was starting to pick up again. I didn't hear her behind me when I doubled over. It started to drizzle. Mom approached me slowly and called out to me. She asked what was going on. I had been on some pretty heavy painkillers after the accident so I imagine she must have thought I was abusing pills. She asked if I needed help. I panicked. I tried to keep my face as low to the ground as I could, turning it into the dirt and leaves so she couldn't see. I couldn't let her see..."

I realized he was staring past me now, a blank expression on his face. He continued his train of thought.

"She grabbed my shoulder. I looked up and she gasped. I grabbed her hand on my shoulder and said her name, relieved that someone finally knew, that someone could help me. She didn't say anything, tilting her head and said my name softly. She reached out to touch my face as she said it, but my body started to contort. I cried out as pain rippled across my back. It was the longest I'd stayed conscious. Mom stumbled backwards and fell over a log. Her head landed on a large rock with a thud. My eyes were swimming with all the pain but I saw she wasn't moving. Blood was starting to drip down the rock, mixing with the muddy water below. I blacked out like I always do. When I woke up, she was still alive, breathing raggedly, but I couldn't do anything"

His voice cracked. He looked off into the woods.

"I cried out as loud as I could, over and over but the wind was too strong, no one came. I sat by her the whole night. It was pouring. I put my head on her lap. At some point I felt her hand grab my fur, like she knew I was there."

His eyes were red and welling up. He sniffled and gulped.

"She bled out. By the time I woke up the next morning, her body was lifeless. I tried to shake her awake. When she didn't respond, I ran back to my house and grabbed clothes, calling 9-11 as I went. The ambulance arrived by the time I got back to her. My dad has never gotten over it. We moved here a couple months later. I don't think he could stand being in that house anymore. I know I couldn't either."

I felt a weight drop on my chest. I didn't know his mom was dead. There was so much I didn't know about him. I imagined a young John watching his mom die right in front of him, unable to help. He watched his mom die and couldn't talk about it with anyone. I could tell he thought it was his fault. I was trying to collect my thoughts when he continued on.

"That's why I don't tell anyone. If you still want to tell Abby, go ahead, I've already packed..."

I reached for his hand. "It's not your fault, John"

"Okay" He was somewhere else, his response flat and meaningless. I said it again.

"I've been told that so many times already Liz. But you know the truth now, that it really was my fault, that I wasn't careful enough. I'm still not careful enough"

He turned away and took off in the woods. I didn't bother following him.

John missed the next day of school that week. And then the next, and the next. I texted him to ask where he was, but he didn't respond. It was Friday afternoon, sitting in Physics and I still hadn't seen him. I also hadn't told Abby. I didn't think I would now. I turned to her at the end of the hour and asked about him. She shook her head, her blonde curls shaking with her head.

"I think he has the stomach flu. Why do you ask?"

"Nothing," I lied "it's just he never misses school"

I made the decision to go to his house after school. He lived near the edge of town, in a tall white house with grey shutters at the end of his street. Lucy dropped me off and I walked onto the porch, ringing his doorbell twice before his father answered.

"Hi, I'm Liz, a classmate of John's. Is he here? I have some notes to give him"

"He's not well right now. Would you like me to tell him you stopped by? I can take the notes for you"

His father's breath reeked of liquor. I nodded and handed him the notes, taking a quick glance around the entry way as I did. I saw a picture of John's family on the table, on vacation at a beach. He couldn't have been more than 10 or 11 in the picture. His now dark brown hair was dirty blonde.

"Thank you Mr. Markison."

I walked off the front porch and saw a soccer net in the front yard. I knew where John was. I headed back to the school, towards the soccer field. I saw John sitting in the stands alone, a large canvas bag slumped near his feet. I sat down next to him, silently. I began absentmindedly nudging the canvas bag with my foot.

"Have you told her already?" clenching his jaw as he said it. I glanced up at him and then back at the bag.

"No." I looked up at him and held back a smile. "I'm not going to"

He turned to me and studied my expression, expecting me to change my mind.

"I'm not going to tell her John. Whatever this nonsense is about packing up and leaving is just that - nonsense. I'll keep your secret John."

"You're not going to blurt it out if you get mad at me will you? Or blackmail me?" He joked.

"Hmm no promises on the second one" I laughed, imagining a scenario where I held this secret over him for ransom. He started laughing.

"Thank you Liz. I'm sorry you got dragged into this mess but thank you. You're a good friend"

We stared at each other for a moment. He was so attractive, I remembered why I liked him so much for all that time. I finally broke the silence.

"Okay, but you have to promise me something."

"Anything."

"No more secrets, for god's sake." He smiled. I smiled back.