One of the Guys (A Ryan Reynolds fanfic)

Fuck Me Gently with a Chainsaw aka The Chapter Where I Act Like a Weak Ass Bitch

Ent. abrupt record scratching sound effect. Screen black. Voice over as done by God - Manly. Sexy. Slightly whiny.

Hold up. Wait a minute. Let me put some Reynolds in it.

I know. It's technically not my turn. It's her's. Sometimes Daddy needs a little 'me' time and during that time he-I, don't want to think of how the candle light licked her like a lollipop or how her laughter brought all the boys to the yard. I don't want to rehash the speed dating thing, even though after the last chapter I set you up to salivate with antici...pation. But as Westley from the Princess Bride once said "Get used to disappointment." Nor do I want to relive the string of men objectifying me at every turn. Yeah. I have the dick pics to prove it. So threatening.

"If you didn't want dick pics, why'd you give out your number?" You say.

Well, Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump, that sort of thinking is what's wrong with the world.

Anyways. If you haven't caught on, I'd like to forget the night that my girl met her current boyfriend.

                                                                     ***

"I should really audition for the role of Dante. Tortured. Cut from marble. In Hell." I grumbled as I chopped through a head of lettuce.

It was going on week three and I was stuck in the ring of Hell reserved for those that are green with envy. That wasn't a Green Lantern joke, Sharon. This is my life. Your chuckle is in poor taste. Much like your Mom.

"Pointy end down, Reynolds. Pointy end down." Oli grinned and put her hand over mine to lower the knife down to the Hello Kitty cutting board.

"You know, if I were half as dramatic as you, I'd be told to calm my tits." She said through stolen bites. She was half rabbit. She would eat an entire head of lettuce in one setting. It was unsettling. No one should consume that much chlorophyll.

"I'll calm your tits." I wriggled my brows and raised my hands to make what I can only assume was windshield wiper motions complete with "eek-eek, eek-eek" noises.

She grabbed two handfuls of her breasts and gave them a squeeze. "They are looking rather perky lately. Surprising what a good bra can do."

"I offered to hold them for you but nooo. It's inappropriate, Ryan. We're at Starbucks, Ryan. We're at my niece's dance recital, Ryan. You're too damn good looking, Ryan." I cleared the knife and tossed it in the sink. Lifting the cutting board, I scrapped the lettuce into the bowl with the rest of the salad trimmings, smacking her hand as she went for a tomato. I was rewarded with a most adorable frump.

"Rude. And I never said that."

"Alright, fine. I lied. About the recital bit. I've never been to your niece's dance recital. Mainly because you don't have a niece but also partly because you're ashamed of me."

"I am. I really, really am." She offered me a toothy smile and then opened her mouth to reveal a mutilated tomato.

"Wha- how did you even-- Heathen."

"Actor." She smirked and blew me a raspberry.

"Now who's rude? If not for me and mine, you wouldn't have a job." I tossed a carrot from the bowl into my mouth and leaned back on the marble counter top.

She snorted and lifted the salad tossing spork thing and brandished it like a sword. "Oh, please. I can translate a screenplay without thinking into a best selling novel. Without material to perform your 'craft' with, you actors are all a bunch of high strung nutters roaming the streets of Hollywood begging for attention with cheap lip service." She placed a small head of broccoli in the spoon cradle and launched it towards me.