I'll Change For You (Larry Stylinson)

Chapter 4

"And..when..was this" I say unfolding the paper with just my index and thumbs. I'm really excited, I am, but why was it in her bra. It's so warm and it just doesn't feel very welcoming at the moment.

"While you were in bathroom" she clearly doesn't realize what's going on next to her, being that she's still facing the road and not looking at me with a confused expression.

"And...why was it in..your bra?"

"First of all, I forgot my purse and second of all, it wasn't in my bra. It was in between my top and bra" she snaps.

"Did it make contact with your boob? That's all I really need to know"

"No Harry" she rolls her eyes.

The disgusted look on my face was replaced with a big smile. I quickly finish opening the paper trying to hide my excitement as much as I can. As I read over the numbers, I can't help but blush. I can feel Jewell's gaze and smile on me, but wait?

"If you two were friends, don't you have his number?"

"Errm" she hums while biting the inside of cheek. "Yeah"

"Then why didn't he just tell you tell me his number?"

"I..I don't know! Louis a weird person" she says getting quieter at the last part.

I ignore her, folding the paper back just the way it was, and put it in my back pocket. I can't get overly excited, it's just to good to be true. I was hair thinking about probably never being able to see his beautiful face again and then coincidentally, Jewell gives me a piece of paper with seven digits on it, that changes my whole mood. That doesn't happen to me, I'm not lucky like that. What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he's not gay? I can't just ask him if he's gay, he doesn't seem very... Straight? He has a very feminine voice, it's pretty soft. But what if that's just his voice? I really want to know but it's embarrassing.

"Harry" Jewell's voice snaps me back into reality.

"Huh?"

"What are you over thinking?"

"What? How do you know Im over thinking?"

"That thing your doing with you hands" she points to my hand as my thumbs graze over the opposite.

"Oh um. I was wondering if Louis was..." I trail off.

"If he's gay?" She asks, I feel a sudden wave of embarrassment wash over me at the way she says it but I nod in response.

"Well to be honest, I don't know. He's never spoken about a girl before and I'm sure if he had a girl he'd bring her today"

"Oh" I bite my lip as a unfamiliar shock of feeling runs through my body, but as soon as she takes her eyes off me I can't help smiling like a fool.

~

"What did he say again?" I ask for the seventh time as we walk into the apartment. I just never grow old of hearing the answer, I know she will stop telling me eventually.

"Harry" Jewell whined throwing her arms down.

"Please this is the last time"

"Fine. He said you were really funny and nice, he would love to hang with you more" she says rolling her eyes and walks to her room.

"Okay" I say running to my room in the opposite direction. I nearly slip and fall over something, I don't know what, but I made it.

I flop on my bed, looking at the ceiling, after closing my door. I let out a sigh, what if he's interested in my in that way? "No can't be, he can do much better" a voice in my head says. I feel my face grow heavier and my heart feels as if it stopped. Why does this happen? Why does this little voice continue to follow me around even though its been a year plus since that happened? Why can't I just be happy without his voice telling me things to constantly bring me down? "You worthless fag" my dads- his words replay in my head as a tear rolls down my cheek. I close my eyes for a second and the image of him pushing me against the wall pops up before I quickly open them. I should think about the one thing that makes me happy right now, Louis, even his name made a small smile break out on my lips. "No boy would ever go for you slut" my dads voice says again, my smile was immediately wiped off. It's like his voice is recorded and embedded in my brain for me to remember his harsh words forever.

The fact that my mother did nothing but watch him abuse me repeatedly, she knew it was wrong. All she did was fucking cry or sir there watching with sorrow in her eyes. Fuck her, fuck him, fuck them both. They are perfect for each other, both sorry excuses for humans, I hate them.

I grab my pillow and throw it on the ground. I know I should've threw it out but I didn't, I grab the razor from my draw and some paper towels I saved. I lay it down on the area before rolling up my sleeve. The blade slices underneath the cuts from last night. Then another, and another, and another. The blood dripping down my fingers put me in a trans. I watch it spill out and one to the paper. Without thinking I make another cut, to in love with the liquid to care. It starts to bleed a bit more than the others but I feel fine, more blood looks better anyway. The bad thing about this is that once this pain finishes distracting you, the other pain returns making you want to slice your skin again.

I don't know why I just don't end it like I have something to live for. I don't think I do but I feel like I should wait just a little to see what gets thrown at me.

The pain finally simmers and the blood dries relieving me from my high. The other pain hits me but not as bad this time, which surprises me. I pick up the slightly bloody tissue and bring it downstairs, I need to his the evidence. I tie it in a small bag before bringing it past the front entrance of the complex, to outside so the trash man could pick it up. I meet the doorman for the second time, nodding my head, greeting him once again.

"Harry" Jewell's voice calls out when I close the door.

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"I just needed some fresh air" I lie bringing my sleeve down to my wrist.

I really can't keep lying like this, it just makes me a worse person than I already am. I join Jewell in her room, the aroma of nail polish takes over me when I sit with her on her bed. She welcomes me with an emotionless smile before continuing to coat her nail with blue polish.

"Hi?"

"I thought you fell asleep or something it was so quiet" Jewell says not looking at me. Her tone is calm and I can't read her expression but something about the way she said it made my stomach tighten.

"No" my palms are starting to sweat and I pick at my nails.

"Okay" she says painting another nail. "Isn't it a little to hot in here to be wearing a sweater?" Her tone is still to calm.

"Yeah outside was pretty chilly and I uh didn't change" I scan her body to see she's changed into a dark blue t-shirt and oversized get sweats.

"Mhm" she hums making my heart stop. "Why don't you just change now?"

"I'm to lazy" I lie again. I take my lip between my teeth and look at the turned off television, which seems interesting in this situation.

"Can I ask you something?" She asks and I don't want to answer.

"Uh sure"

"Why are you lying to me?"