Am I okay? Thats a stupid question that everyone asks me. Of course I'm not okay but I'm not going to tell you that. Why you may ask. Well here is why because if I tell you I'm not okay. You will want me to elaborate and honey that is just something I can not do. Its not that I don't want to tell you why. I do want to tell you it is just that I don't fucking know why I'm not okay. Its like everything is okay but it's not okay at the same time. I'm not sure if that makes any sense but that's how I feel and boy does it bother me that I can't explain it. I like to explain why I do something. I also like being explained why certain things happen and how they happen. When I can't do one of those it bothers me up the ying yang(yes I said up the ying yang I'm not sure why but it seemed to fit there). And no I'm not some 12 year old going through her emo phase. I am a 15 going on 16 year old that cant tell her parents that she has anxiety and depression because they won't believe her. So no I'm not okay I have to hide how I feel from my family because they won't understand. My best friend knows and thinks I should tell my parents but I can't no matter how much I want to. I can't. How am I suppose to be okay when the only way I can say how I feel is by typing it in a fake book. That I doubt people will read and if they do I doubt they will care. I'm a 15 year old girl that like older guys but always gets used by them. Oh that is also one more to add to the list of things I can't tell my parents. If I did they would have hippo. (Yes I know the saying goes they would have a cow but what they would have is bigger than a cow.) When I say older guys I don't mean 30s I mean like between 18-20. So don't go judging me thinking I'm some gross 15 year old that would have a crush on any of her teachers. For example I have just figured out that I was being used by an 18 year old for sexual pleasure. Its always lovely to figure that out after chasing after them for a month not knowing how they feel. Well it looks like I have figured out two reasons why I'm not okay.
Number 1: not being able to express myself to my parents
Number 2: being used by every older guy I have ever had any sort of feelings for
Shall I go on to find more reasons. I think I shall. I hate how much my parents fight it makes me want to scream and cry. I know this is something horrible to say but sometimes I wish they would get divorced. I know I know I should be get full that my parents are still together but they just don't seem happy with each other anymore. I miss the days where they werent constantly down each others throats for every little thing. I had to go in on thanksgiving to yell at them to stop arguing for at least one holiday. It was so difficult to hold back the tears. I just couldn't handle it anymore it was one of the few days out of the year that I get to see my grandparents and I wasnt going to let them ruin it for me. In return for yelling at them. I got yelled at by mom and saying its my fathers fault they were arguing and I got a thank you from my father for stopping my mothers bitching. Yea they just love each other so much don't they. ⬅*reason number 3* I'm sorry my writing is everywhere that's how it is in my head. I don't mean for it to be thats just how it comes out. I hate that I'm always sorry for anything I ever do. Its not even that I regret anything I just always apologize. I hate how sensitive I am to everything. You could do or say something that reminds me of one thing and there I go spiraling downward in my emotions. I hate that about myself. You could make a stupid meaning less comment on my body and there I go slitting open some part of my body. I strongly dislike that as a child I get put into the middle of everything. My mom decides not to talk to her family I don't talk to her family. It is not fair that parents put the children in the middle of everything. Just because you guys having something going on the child should not have to suffer because of your problems. It gives a child a broken picture of what family is like. ⬅*reasons 4,5,6* Well it seems as though I have figured out why I'm not okay. Although most I can't do anything about. I have been able to elaborate as to why I'm not okay. Which makes me feel a little okay. So now you can go ahead and ask me why I'm not okay and I can explain why I'm not. Yes it may hurt explaining the reasons and I may hesitate a little depending on who you are but I can do it.
