Just Me

I realized that for the time that I have been alive (which isn't very long) that I have been friends with the wrong kind of people. Don't get me wrong I loved and love the people in my life today. I just don't think they are the "right" kind of people, at least for me. I almost feel that I am just too complicated for anyone to understand. What I show or express to others is a very vague version of me. There is so much that goes on inside my head that even for me it's hard to understand, so I couldn't even imagine someone else trying to figure it out. My brain is like a huge jigsaw puzzle. There are so many pieces and you don't know where to start or what piece to look for next. My mind is a never ending mess. I always tell myself that I'm a hot mess. Because let's all admit it, I'm pretty hot. But I'm also a mess. My whole life is just a big mess. The way I think is kinda messy. Maybe someone out there is trying to relate to what I'm saying, and maybe you do relate, but most people can't relate to me. You just can't. My brain is a huge library full of really good books and after you get half way through one book you start another. You can get really deep into the library and read books you didn't even know we're there. I almost feel that I appreciate the smaller aspects of life that everyone just ignores. I could spend hours outside just staring at the clouds. And only the clouds because I'm so amazed. I could look at the stars forever. I'm a daydreamer. I can get lost in my mind and think about everything. I always think about the future and what I'm going to be doing in the next ten years. I plan out my whole life and just expect it to happen exactly how I planned it in my head. You know? Or maybe you don't. Most people don't. I really don't have a lot of friends. I see everyone hanging out with their friends over the weekend and I just sit at home because no one gives me a chance. I'm afraid that someone might think I'm weird or boring, even when they don't know me. Everyone is always so quick to judge. I want to make everyone feel special and happy. I want them to get this certain feeling when they're with me. Just this feeling that they don't feel with anyone else. I've been around people like that and they give you this amazing feeling and make you feel different. I want everyone to feel that when they're around me so they remember me. I'm not your average run of the mill kinda girl. It sounds a little cheesy but it's true. I don't like to do anything that everyone else likes to do. I almost don't enjoy hanging out with my friends because I would rather be by myself. Don't get me wrong I do like to hang out with them but sometimes I would like to be by myself doing my own thing. I'm kinda independent. I never want any help with anything. I like to do it all by myself. Whenever I need help with something I feel that I've failed myself. Whenever the teacher lets us get into groups or get with a partner for anything in class, I never want to partly because no one ever wants to be my partner and partly because I want to do it all on my own. When I do have a partner sometimes they take over and take charge and I feel that I should say something and speak up so I can have a say, but I don't want to be bossy. I don't usually talk in class because either I hate everyone in that class or I'm afraid I'll say something stupid and then I'll be known and the "dumb" one. I have a lot to say believe me but all my classmates are talking over each other all the time so no one would hear me anyways. It's weird because I would consider myself a pretty outgoing person, just not at school. All my classmates make me so uncomfortable and I would never be able to relate to what they're talking about anyways. Even the teachers don't like me. It's probably because I never talk and they like the students who engage in conversation. I would engage but my opinion wouldn't matter. I think that's all I have to say. I had a lot on my mind. My creative juices were moving. I love when someone says that because it reminds me of gravy or steak. Anyways, back to your daily lives.