Doubt

two

two

Athena

Athena likes to think that she is special. Maybe that's my problem, she thinks, maybe I'm just nothing but star dust. And maybe, just maybe, I'll end like any star ends--in destruction.

And it's not hard to think you're special coming from a family of one in a millions and one in a trillions and people who have made the impossible possible. Everything she'll ever need she has and everything she'll ever want is already wrapped under the tree--she thought her life was perfect.

But there are flaws to every family that not even they see, and sooner or later it will destroy you. And you'll remember the sounds of the screams as it rips through your mind time and time again, reminding you no one is perfect, no one is perfect. And you'll try to smile but you know you've already lost.

These are the truths that the Watterson's would rather have hidden under their picture perfect family facade.

But it won't be for long.

And as she runs her fingers through her inky black hair and pushes her back against the plush material of the seat, she thinks back to this with scrambled thoughts.

No one is perfect, no one is perfect, but she can't seem to come to terms with this because the Watterson's are the very definition of perfection. They are like gods, and she is not, her name is a cruel joke reminding her that she could never live up to their standards, no matter how much she wishes, no matter how much they try to perfect her--she is flawed and that is all she will ever be.

"And how are you feeling this week, Athena?" Her therapist, Lorena, asked, just as she does every week. And Athena's answer is always the same because she feels the same--inferior. But Athena knows that she knows this so she simply shrugs and tries to push herself further into the seat, hoping to be anywhere but here.

Hoping that her parents would stop thinking she was so flawed that even they couldn't fix her.

Lorena sighs and sets her reading glasses to the side of her oak desk. She is a small woman with a figure on the chubby side and golden hair that seemed to shine whenever her she smiled. Athena liked her, she really did but what she didn't like was being probed and poked as if she were a science project. Her emotions shouldn't have to be examined under a magnifying glass--whatever she felt she felt. It was irreversible.

"Alright," she breathed almost as if she didn't want to be here as much as Athena didn't and glanced at her notes, "last week we spoke about your birth mother. You seemed to hold a grudge towards her, is that right? You want her to hear you and you want her to know about your pain and the torment you've put yourself through because no child your age should have to go through that. Am I on the right track here?"

Athena sighed and fiddled with her the bottom of her sleeve, recalling the emotions she'd let out at their last meeting. Lorena knew now about her pains, she knew about how inferior she felt and how she couldn't get over the cold reality of her mother leaving her. She had hoped that Lorena would have forgotten and just let her be but she should have known better--once she had a breakthrough she wasn't gonna let it go that easily.

"I guess so." She said, finally after the long silence. "Don't get me wrong, my life is damn near pretty perfect, my parents give me the entire world and more at that. But still, just knowing that my own mother didn't want me, I guess that cuts pretty deep."

Lorena nods and picks up her pen though she doesn't began to write just yet. "You say your adoptive parents give you everything you could ever ask for, Athena, so why would you ever feel inferior to them? You've made it very clear that they love you but..."

Athena knew this meant that she should go on but instead she simply shrugged. There was no reason to have this conversation again and to be honest, she wasn't exactly sure how to explain how she felt. They gave her everything but at the same time, she knew they couldn't. They could never replace the cold void in her heart, but she hoped the cries she released at the devil's hour would be enough.

"Alrighty then," Lorena's pen danced across Athena's client journal. "I have an exercise I've wanted to test out on you. Your parents have already given me permission but you can decline, do you understand that Athena?"

Athena raised an eyebrow. Lorena had rarely had to get her parent's approval on anything before, so this was news to her.

"What is it?"

"Well," The small blonde woman stood from her seat and circled her desk until she was right in front of the child, staring down at her. "Let's just say that we've found a way for you to speak to your mother."

Suddenly, it felt as if her heart would leap out her throat and there was a voice in the back of her head telling her to keep her heart in place, just close her mouth and pray this nightmare away. But she betrayed herself like she always did and swallowed her nerves.

"Lorena..."she spoke cautiously, "What did you do?"

The woman blinked. "Oh, don't worry Athena, it won't be face to face just yet, I've only found her phone number. Or, at least I hope it's her number. There's a chance that it might be a little outdated."

"You want me to dial a number that may or may not belong to my birth mother?"

"It's worth a try isn't it?" Athena clearly wasn't buying into it so Lorena sighed and shoved loose strands of hair back in her ponytail, setting herself into a more comfortable position. "Look, Athena, you're just barely making progress on this whole mother situation. It won't matter if it's her or not, just as long as you try. As long as you don't let her take another part of you."

There it was again, the soft voice Lorena always used when she tried giving mini motivational speeches to try to get her to do something that would 'benefit' her mental state. Suddenly fed up with this meeting and with a stronger desire to go home, Athena out on a brave face and reached for her phone.

"Alright, alright fine," she took a breath, "What's the number?"