For You

A Letter For You

Here is the fifth letter. Hope you guys enjoy! :]

Dear Kenji,

I decided to tell Alice about what happened. She didn’t say anything, so I have no idea if she agrees with you or with me, or with both of us at the same time. Over the past few days, I’ve cut again and again. Every time I do, I am reminded of you. I know that our friendship ending was also my fault, but I can’t help how I feel. Hell, if I could, I would go back to being genuinely happy with all my friends. I would get out of the hellish trap my mind is. It’s only gotten worse. One minute I’ll be doing my mathematics homework, and the next I’ll be wishing I was dead, and not because of math.

I don’t know if you know this already, but whenever I told you I loved you, I meant it. And I never meant it as just my friend; I’ve always loved you more than that. You’ve always been like a brother to me, but I love you even more than I would love a brother. You are a part of me, and I love you with my whole heart. You are my best friend, you always will be, and I will always love you, no matter how much pain you cause me.

Today, however, I came to the realization that no matter how much I love you, I hate you. The first time I cut myself was after it became known to me that you had done it. I’m not saying that you led me to self harm, you didn’t. I did it the first time because I hated myself for what I did. It was my fault that you harmed yourself, and it’s hard to live with the idea that it’s your entire fault when the person you love the most in the whole world harmed themselves because you left them. I can’t really blame you for leaving me, it would be the most hypocritical thing in the world, but I left because I was scared, you left because you didn’t want to be friends with an “emo chick”.

I left because I was scared of my feelings. I’ve known what I am for some years now, but I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want to be made fun of for being the way I am. That’s why I never told anyone, especially not my parents. When I finally did tell you that I was bisexual, I understood how much what I did to you hurt. You didn’t notice because you were turning around telling Jason to leave us alone, that we were talking, but I started crying. The look on your face when I told you I liked Ashley, and when you asked if I was joking, killed the little bit of sanity I had left in me. I’m not sane, at all, and I know that. I’ve been faking sanity for so long it’s completely natural to act the way I do. It’s a shame there’s no lock on my door, it would make being me easier. I could lose control in my bedroom instead of having to lock myself in the bathroom, blast my music, and run the shower so that my parents don’t find out I’m actually harming myself in more than one way. I don’t just cut and occasionally abuse drugs; I’m also slowly killing myself in the inside. I don’t eat, I sleep all day when I don’t have to go to school or do homework.

I know I said I wouldn’t apologize for being different, but I am sorry that I am this way. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for my grandmother to die, or to be plunged into an everlasting depression because of her death. All I wanted was to grow up, graduate from college and get my dream job, find a husband and make a family. All I wanted was to be normal. But I did grow up. I grew up when I was 8. Thoughts I never wanted started flowing into my head like a river. And then I had to move. I had to transfer to a new school where I didn’t know anybody, and that’s when I really started wanting to die. I wouldn’t be with my friends, I wouldn’t be with anyone I knew, I wouldn’t be home. Fortunately you all made this my home, but the thoughts never left my head. All they did was come faster in larger quantities. Eventually, my pencil sharpeners stopped being for my pencils; pain pills started being for emotional pain instead of physical; food became unimportant; my vocal cords are starting to only be used when necessary. All I’ve wanted since 2007 was to die.

Tonight, I’ve decided to start writing a letter. I’m writing a letter and hiding it in my drawer. I don’t know how many I’ll write until I actually end myself, but however many that will be, I’ll be sure to thank you for all you have done to help in the past four years.

With much Love,

Saya

And that’s the fifth letter. Thanks for reading and remember to comment, vote, and follow. It really makes me happy :D Hope you enjoyed! See you tomorrow guys! :]