You’re in your fave restaurant again. You’re having a date with your fabulous self. As usual. So you order the best in the menu and before you know it, you are pigging out on a meal good for five people. And you blame your lack of love life for your extra pounds. And you hate going to the gym. You want to get serious about gym. You really do. Staring at bikini-bodies with abs to kill for on TV makes you want to hop right into your car and head for the nearest gym. But then you’ll say, there’s always tomorrow. You’d swear to do it tomorrow. And diet! I’d stop eating right after this meal! And you’ve been saying that for five years already.
You go shopping for undies. There are so many hot stuff at VS and you buy a really racy pair in hot pink, imagining wearing them for your lover and how he’d enjoy slowly taking them off of you. And you end up buying a dozen other super-sexy pairs in different colors which will rot in your closet full of frilly stuff you have accumulated for ages, in the hopes of finally wearing them for your man one day. You end up wearing them anyways, under your tough corporate power –outfits where nobody sees them.
You go to a mall land visit the perfume department. You love smelling samples of men’s colognes, fantasizing that you are smelling your lover’s neck as you laze about on a beach gazing at the spectacular sunset. And you end up buying men’s perfumes which you sometimes use just to feel like you have a lover who has left his scent on you.
You go watch a movie by yourself coz you hate watching with your friends. But it would be nice to have a guy wrap his arms around you inside a freezing moviehouse and whisper sweet-nothings in your ear. And you’d see a couple seated right in front of you doing just that. And you go misty-eyed, feeling that perpetual bittersweet longing even if the scene playing on the screen is that Kung Fu Panda getting his ass kicked.
You go a wedding and you play the role of the maid of honor or some very important part for the nth time. You are a nice girl and so many folks want you to be part of their lives. You oblige them, even if you would rather take a rest from being the bridesmaid, maid of honor or ninang. It makes you sad somehow that you may not be able to invite anybody to do the same for you.
You go to a bar to have a few drinks. You’re not really the party girl type but you go anyway just to feel like you’re still in touch with the world. You buy yourself a drink and then you people-watch. Couples , couples, couples everywhere, dancing, smooching, holding hands. A guy would come up to you and he wants to buy you a drink. But his eyes say: “its nott really for free, baby. Wanna have fun with me?” and you leave, feeling lonelier than when you came in.
You enter a church. You sit next to a couple who are, tough luck, holding hands! They are praying together, for more love and good health for their family. You listen to the priest and he talks about fidelity, loyalty, Trust, honesty and faith in marriage. And you wanna laugh. You don’t know what he’s talking about. And you gaze at the countenance of god on thr cross. You are almost ashamed to ask him. But you do always. You ask him to make you experience what the priest is talking about.
You walk in a park admiring the spectacular Christmas lights that line the pathways and decorate the trees. The sight would always bring tears to your eyes and all those hidden romantic fantasies would envelop you like a cloak, comforting and making you feel melancholic at the same time. How you wish you were walking with him, holding hands enjoying the beauty of night Christmas.
You go back to your place and sit on your window gazing at the moon, wishing, wishing for someone out there to find you, coz you’re tired of looking for him. You’re tired of praying for him. You wanna stop wishing for him.
You tell yourself that you’re okay, that you’re alright on your own. You can take care of yourself; you will continue to exist on your own. You don’t need a lover and a mate. A great career is better than a lover. You feel pathetic. ‘coz you know deep inside that you’d give up everything just to have him walk into your life.
