Crack.
It wasn't my fault.
Crack.
It wasn't my fucking fault.
Crack.
Who cares?
Crack.
It's still my fault anyway, no matter how many times I deny it.
Smash.
Opening my eyes, the first thing I see is my face in the broken mirror. Too pale. Too thin. Purple shadows under my green eyes. Stringy brown hair. I look like a ghost, though that's probably what I am now. A ghost, soullessly wandering this world. Empty.
It's too much. He said he'd never hurt me. He'd never leave me. He'd never cheat on me. And yet.
Why are the people who always said they'd never hurt you be the ones who end up hurting you the most?
We've all heard that one before, haven't we? It's probably the most accurate description of a relationship in existence. I mean, of course they would end up hurting you. It's as if you believe that that puny little relationship of yours is going to withstand every little piece of shit life throws at you. Like social acceptance. Or sexual needs. Or other worthless bullshit that isn't even really important.
Relationships aren't meant to endure everything. That's why they're called relationSHIPS. Ships sink because they weren't strong enough to stick together. And even if they did manage to stay together, time would eventually pull them apart. It wasn't meant to stand the test of time. The harshness of nature and the world would eventually cause it to corrode and crumble and wither and fade. Nothing in this world is permanent. Why should happiness be?
*flashback*
"BLAKE?! Wh-what...? What's going on..? I don't...understand....."
And I really don't. He was there, in his bed. But not alone. Christina. That whore.
He pushed her off him, pulling his pants on, cursing.
I focused my attention to the slut naked in his bed, flashing her pearly white bitch smile my way.
"Hello, Lizzie, dear. Glad to see you here. I wasn't expecting more company." Her voice filled me with fury, and it made me sick all over. I wanted to throw up.
"Lizzie, I can explain-" Fully dressed, Blake moved toward me, an arm outstretched in my direction, but I blindly knocked it away, my eyes stinging with the tears beginning to form.
Why did I believe him? Why did I think that he wouldn't hurt me? Of course he would. Everyone does. It's like they don't even try to commit to being nice anymore.
Blinking the tears out, I shook my head and looked up to meet his eyes, his always beautiful blue eyes.
They stared at me, with a mixture of hope -hope that I'd forgive him? That I'd leave?- and something cliche'-ingly unreadable. Obviously. The only moment I needed to know what he was thinking was the moment he wouldn't let me.
I just couldn't. I ran. Out of his room. Down the stairs, not even caring if his younger sister saw me. Out the front door.
I stumbled off his front porch, stopping to catch my breath and think for a moment before I walked to my car, and then I started to laugh. And laugh some more. Anybody who'd seen me probably thought I'd gone insane. But I hadn't...yet.
Everything just seemed funny now, like one big joke. Yep, that was what it was. A joke. Every fucking thing -love happiness, commitment- a joke. Haha.
I skipped to my car, still containing a psychotic amount of pure giddyness, slid in, and started the engine. Still giggling, I pulled out of the driveway and onto the road.
I turned up the radio, and this came on:
"...I never thought I'd find a love like this
There's no need to hide that feeling we get whenever we touch
We can't resist, we go back to our first day, our first kiss..."
That was exactly where my mind took me as I drove. Our first kiss. He'd told me, after junior prom night, back at my house, that he'd loved me the moment we'd met in that very first year of highschool. I told him he was lying, and that he was a corny little cheeseball, but he'd laughed and leaned in. Before I knew it we were kissing in my bedroom. We started going out the next day.
I parked my car in front of my house, tears already running down my cheeks, and I just sat there. Turned off the engine, turned up the song, and cried.
Looking back on it now, it was probably obvious that we weren't going to last. My friends said he'd break me, but I didn't believe them. That was my fault. All my fault.
It was my fault, wasn't it? Mine. I was a horrible girlfriend. I didn't focus on him too much, I didn't obsess over him, or spend every waking moment with him. Yes, it was all my fault.
My brother found me asleep in the passenger seat the next morning. He told me that the phone had been ringing off the hook last night, that Blake had called, after realizing I didn't have my cell phone with me. He sounded like he'd been crying, my brother said. He sounded broken.
Was that all my fault, too? Of course it is, you useless piece of shit.
In the end, I was never happy again.
*end of flashback*
I shake my head to completely clear my thoughts, and I smile, like that day in front of his house. I actually smile at my broken reflection in the mirror, and realize that me and my reflection are the same. Broken. Cracked up.
I walk out of my bathroom, small bottle in one hand, my other one dripping blood on the carpeting. But it didn't matter anymore. Nothing did.
I sit at my bed, and look out the window. Midnight blue skies. The same as his eyes. I grit my teeth, pained just thinking about him, then I remember what I am about to do, and I smile at myself again.
Guilt sure is a bitch, isn't it, Blake?
I untwist the cap of the small plastic bottle in my hands, drop a few -or a lot- of them in my palm, and put the bottle down on my bedside table. This is it, the moment. I flick my eyes to the small piece of paper on my bedside table, the note I had written earlier, to whoever finds me first. Nodding to myself, I lie down.
One.
Two.
Three.
Swallow.
One last glimpse out the midnight blue sky, at the silver ball of light stolen from the sun, and I whisper, "Goodnight, moon." Goodnight forever.
And then....
Darkness.
Fading.
Freedom.
xxx
Dearest reader, to whom it may concern, to whoever finds me here first.
Don' t make promises. Stupid promises you'll never keep.
I'll stay with you. I'll never hurt you. I'll never leave you. I'll always love you.
Because if you break them, you'll regret it in a heart beat.
This one's for you, Blake. Hope you're enjoying that little slut in your bed. Just don't say I never warned you if she breaks you and you come running to me only to remember I'm not here anymore.
So this is the end. Let this little piece of paper be your warning. Trust me. Love kills.
Kiss, kiss.
Lizzie.
