"Lexa, can we..." Clarke trails off, looking visibly nervous. She doesn't know why this is throwing her off so much. She puts it down to Lexa thinking it might be weakness. Lexa studies her and notes her body language.
"Clarke, you have no need to fear me." Lexa's tone is so soft, and Clarke wonders how many people have been lucky enough to ever hear it.
"On the Ark, when people were in a relationship, they would... They would cuddle." Clarke thinks it sounds so stupid coming from her mouth. It makes her sound childish. She immediately wishes she could take it back. Lexa takes a step closer to her.
"Cuddle?" Just the word alone coming from Lexa's mouth, when she's in full Commander attire is enough to make Clarke smile.
"It's hard to explain with words. It sounds stupid. Can I show you?" Clarke asks her. Lexa takes a moment to consider it and then takes off her coat and drapes it over a chair. "Come, sit next to me on the bed."
Lexa walks towards her and Clarke can't help but admire her figure as she does. Everyone is so used to seeing her in armor but Clarke is one of the only people who gets to see her body underneath. And it's one of Clarke's favourite things in the world.
Lexa climbs up beside her and Clarke motions for her to come closer, before wrapping her arm around Lexa and pulling her right in. Clarke can feel the stiffness in Lexa's muscles, defensive of something so foreign to her. "Relax, Lexa, it's meant to feel good."
It takes her maybe a minute or more, but Lexa eventually does relax. Clarke feels the tension in her shoulders disappear and her breathing steadies out. Clarke's hand is resting on the bare skin of Lexa's arm, so Clarke starts to gently run her thumb along the markings of Lexa's tattoo.
"It does feel good," Lexa agrees after long moments. Her eyes are closed.
They lie in silence as Lexa gets used to it. Over time Lexa brings her body closer, and eventually takes Clarke's other hand in her own. "This is extremely intimate," Lexa admits in a whisper.
Clarke looks at Lexa's head resting on her chest, and watches as it rises and falls with the rhythm of her breathing. "I love you."
Lexa shifts so she can look at Clarke, but their bodies remain close. "May I tell you something?" Clarke nods. "I lost Costia not long before you fell from the sky. My body was consumed by anger." Lexa speaks slowly. "I fought back. And I almost lost my life for it." Clarke gasps in surprise. "Her sword ran right through me. Gustus saved my life, and transported me back to Polis to recover. It was the most pain I have ever endured. But it healed."
"I'm glad," Clarke tells her tenderly, reaching up to move a strand of hair from Lexa's face. "When I left you on Mount Weather," Lexa starts, but immediately feels Clarke tense up. "Please. I only wish to make a point." Clarke relaxes slightly as she looks into Lexa's eyes and only sees regret there. "When I left Mount Weather, the pain I felt in my heart was twice as much as the sword." Clarke hasn't ever seen Lexa cry, but she notices that Lexa's eyes are not as dry as they were a few seconds ago. Her voice begins to shake. "And I didn't know if it would ever heal. Time is not a healer. Time only acts as a reminder of what you have lost."
"I love you," Clarke repeats, as she doesn't think any other words would be enough.
"I love you, Clarke," Lexa says, in that tone that she reserves only for her. "I knew I did when the pain stayed with me. But I truly realised it when I found you again, and it healed." No-one has ever said anything like this to Clarke ever. She's speechless. "Love is not weakness, Clarke. Love is strength."
She can't help but kiss Lexa. She is completely unaware of the tears on her cheeks smudging Lexa's makeup. Neither of them care. Their lips work against each other, and Clarke feels Lexa's hand on the side of her neck pulling her closer. The Commander is so soft, and so gentle, that it catches her off guard every time when she sees Lexa fight. She feels so privileged to see these parts of Lexa, their stolen kisses and nights of passion almost seem sacred in a world so consumed by war.
"Never leave me," Clarke whispers against Lexa's lips, barely pulling away enough to leave a gap.
"Never," Lexa promises.
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