Hunter's Knife

Chapter Five

Possible trigger warning for this chapter - please read at your own discretion. 

It was hard to love someone with so many faults and such a fucked up background, and that's the painful truth that Zayn Malik was coming to realize. He believed that Niall should have grown out of his perpetual teenage angst stage at this point, but he seemed to get worse as the days progressed. Niall was not the perfect lad that everyone thought he was, and Zayn had to witness every single meltdown to occur, no matter what time of day, or where they were.

He had many internet searches, most of which pertaining to how to love someone with depression. A lot of what he read involved looking past that and realizing that depression does not define a personality. Zayn didn't believe this to be entirely true - for all that Niall ever really was was guilt and sadness. It hurt to admit it, but Zayn didn't want to go around dodging the truth anymore. 

Niall was too hard to understand. Though he wasn't problematic, and did his best to love Zayn to his full potential, it never really felt like enough. Zayn was caught up in the moment. He was excited to be in love, and jumped into a serious relationship without ever having the freedom to explore himself and his sexuality.

The sex was not the problem. Fucking on the beach and getting sand in unheard of crevices, Niall going down on him while he was tied to the bed - it was all fabulous. The problem was that he didn't love Niall anymore. He didn't find him as glorious as he used to. He didn't find that his heart skipped beats in his boyfriend's presence. He had feared that this would happen eventually, but not while they were still so young.

He knew Niall wanted to get married, have kids, and have the perfect picket fence lifestyle. There was a time that Zayn wanted all that, too. Now, he felt the strange desire to be a bachelor and explore himself the way he never got to. This was college, after all - the time supposedly perfect for experimentation. 

Even with all that being said, Zayn knew that he was almost stuck with Niall. He couldn't break up with him, and especially not in such a difficult time that he was facing. He was concerned as to what he would do, and whether or not Harry would see this as the perfect time to insert himself into the picture. The very thought had Zayn gritting his teeth. Even if he didn't love Niall the same way he used to, he still didn't like the idea of Harry (or anyone, for that matter) treating Niall in a poor manner. He couldn't think of one person in the world who could love Niall the way the blonde needed it.

And that included himself.

He thought a lot about the way he and Niall were, and the way they grew up together. He had vivid recollections of being the only one there for Niall when he thought about ending his life. He was the one who held towels to the bloody gashes on Niall's thighs, and he was the one who repeated just keep breathing in the midst of terrifying panic attacks. Subsequently, Niall was the one who iced Zayn's bruises when his father got a little too drunk.

So, in retrospect, it was probably wrong for Zayn to be thinking this way. 

Especially now.

As Niall laid down in bed beside him, fully asleep for the first time in god knows how long, he looked more peaceful than he ever had. His face was buried in the pillows, hair tangled, wearing nothing but an old jersey and tight black boxers, which left his scarred legs completely exposed. He looked like the somehow more masculine version of a seventeen year old girl, with light lashes hitting the tops of his cheek bones, and soft pink lips parted ever so slightly. It would really take an idiot to deny Niall's beauty. Zayn wasn't an idiot. He was making a dire mistake, but he was perfectly aware of it.

He kissed the top of Niall's head, the fluffed blonde hair, and got out of the bed - making sure to pull all the covers over Niall's petite body as he exited the room. Dressed in a loose sweatshirt and sleep pants that probably belonged to someone else, he left the apartment and took his keys with him.