In Real Life

"I can't believe you forgot my parents twenty fifth anniversary !"

"Sam I swear I di-"

"Don't you Sam me ! I told you A BILLION TIMES " I was shouting by then

"I even told you exactly what to wear- "

"Sam please listen to-"

"NO I WON'T YOU LISTEN TO YOU JUST LIKE YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME !"

At this point I couldn't shout anymore the high my anger had earned me was fading into complete weakness "This isn't the first or second or tenth time you've done this. To be precise this is the fourteenth time Sam. You just never listen ! I told you the party was at six pm and that we were going together and that you had to be home by at least one o'clock because it's a three hour drive ." "And you. You show up at one am."

"Samantha I swear I had my mind on it I just got carried away with work and-"

"No just don't. You didn't get carried away with work you just didn't care enough to come "

"Saman-"

"Can you please stop talking. Just leave me alone Samuel " I rarely ever called him Samuel so I guess he realised how serious this was. I felt so weak like my knees could give out at any second.

"Sam I really have to go to the office now but I swear I'll make it up to-"

"Then just get lost already" Tears had escaped and my voice was strained and hurt even in my own ears.

"Get lost Samuel just get lost" I threw my hair brush at him which gracefully hit his stomach rewarding me with a satisfying thunk. Now he looked hurt too but I doubt it was because of the physical pain. He took his car keys and headed out of our room slamming the door behind him. The moment he closed the door I burst into tears. It was like he closed something else much more important than our bedroom door. I was like really really crying like weeping kind of crying. I had never cried like this since we'd got married. I was disappointed in my self . How could I ever expect him to change. This isn't the first time he forgot something important and I knew for sure it wouldn't be the last but the problem was that every single time I'd think of it as last time just to have my heart shattered again. I got up to get ready for work my mind wondering through the history of me and Sam. We had fell in love so quickly it was more like catapulting than falling.  We met at a library when an excited voice had shouted Sam and we both turned around at the same time. We smiled at each other when we guessed what happened. Turned out the voice wanted Samuel he went and greeted who I later discovered was a high school friend. After that he came and awkwardly greeted me. Now as handsome as Samuel was he wasn't like killer model good looks but I couldn't help but feel out of breath looking at him for the first time it something more than good looks it was something so much deeper that just made me want to stare at him for eternity and he told long after that that he had felt the exact same way. We didn't talk much we just clarified our name issue and then he turned to leave but he seemed hesitant like he was pained like he was burdened by words that just wouldn't leave his lips and then out of nowhere he asked for my phone number. It seemed like a big gamble to just give my number to a stanger who I knew nothing about except his name but I followed my heart and took that gamble and never regretted it since. I smiled at the memory.  The story just sounded so unreal to good to be true but it was true it was our story  Sam and Sam.I wondered if I was starting to regret us. Sam had broke my heart so many times. It wasn't about him forgetting all our social obligations , him forgetting my birthday or our anniversary. It was about the fact that to him it would always be work first then me and when it came to Sam there was a huge difference between the first place and the second one. This was not what he promised me. This isn't how I wanted things to be. My entire life was just me waking up alone. Him not picking up my phone calls. Him always out and when he actually comes home he'd be exhausted.  Never going out. Never spending proper couples time together. (Now if you're wondering whether he's cheating or something I promise you he isn't) . I was definitely getting used to being alone but I knew how passionate he was about work and I knew he loved me from the depth of his heart but This was real life. And sadly is couldn't shake the feeling I had that we were falling out of love just as quickly as we fell into it. I didn't know what to do to my eyes which were currently red and swollen so I just smudged some dark eyeshadow the way Sam said made my eyes even prettier "you're hot enough to be a model it's a shame you're so short". The thought of him and the way he would say it made my chest tighten so painfully. Sam was beautiful when he smiled at me. It was the kind of smile that you know only you get to see the type of smile that makes it impossible for you to doubt for even a second how he felt about you, how you felt about him. I felt guilty for never telling how his smile made me feel. Maybe I was being too harsh on him. When Sam had time he would do anything I want the man would freaking go to the moon and back if I told him to . I couldn't help but remember how he'd wake me up in the middle of the night when he finally came home for a day after a weeks absence.  He'd turn all the lights on and even though he'd be so exhausted you could see it in his eyes and he'd hang out with me instead of rest , watch TV and eat ice cream like it's a lazy summer day. Sometimes when he's be around for the weekend he'd surprise with our room candle lit and my favourite playlist on and he'd just hold me and dance with for what would seem like a little infinite.  I remembered how he'd always leave my coffee ready and waiting on the table with a romantic note next to it. I remembered how he held me after reading Me Before You when I was crying like a maniac. How he'd send me jokes all day long when he wad at work. How he would do so many little things. Sam was all about the details. The ones I forget to appreciate most of the time. Maybe it wasn't perfect but he tried to make it perfect and that did count. I'd finished dressing up and I headed downstairs to find -for my surprise- a cup of coffee and a note lying next to it.

I was tearing up before I even fully realised what was going on. I picked up the note. His hand writing was small and scribbled -and honestly ugly just like my own- like scratches instead of words I wondered how on earth was going to read it. But I knew I could I'd read so many notes before that unlike this one were so much shorter just little bites of joy.

   Dear Sam,

  No matter how angry you are or how horrible I am I still love you more than anything even if I fail catastrophically at showing it. I know you think I care about work more than I do about you but I swear I don't. Sam work consumes me and I won't lie sam I enjoy what I do so much- but that's it. I just enjoy it. But you I love truly fully and wholly. And when work takes hold of my brain you own my heart. I don't think you will ever understand how much it pains me to see you cry because of me. I feel like I failed you Sam. You deserve so much more than what I'm giving you, you deserve someone who listens, who stays who's always there for you. Yet even though I know how insufficient I am, I am to selfish let you go to give you away so I just hope you'll be able to take this Sam it's a burden I know it is but it also can be breathtakingly beautiful at the right time. A guilty pleasure for me and a mend for you. Sam I know I've promised you a million things but done none yet I am still willing to promise you even more I promise you I'll try harder to free myself for to be there to give you what you deserve. I love you.

                yours truly, only and smittenly,

  

                                         Sam.

P.s Enjoy the cofee.

Looking at his note stained with my tears I just wanted him so much. To hug him to kiss him to hold him. I don't think he knew the effect that the word love had on me and he'd used so much in this letter I felt like I could melt into a puddle.

Maybe this wasn't how I dreamt it would be it wasn't the champagne bed of roses thing but in so many ways it was equally beautiful and in more ways it was even better.

   I failed to remember often enough how Sam had made so many of my dreams come true. How I loved him and he loved me and that that after all was all the that mattered.

This was real life. And I was happy