Learning How To Hope

I am ill. So frigging ill. I have but 4 months in which to live, but my last month I will be paralysed, so I can't live. Not really anyway. Survive yes, live? Yeah, I wish.

Live. A four letter word with so many meanings. It's a bit like the word love. Bandied around meaninglessly but once someone sees the true meaning you rarely use it because you know it's important. Ha. More like overrated.

I have no family to grieve, no friends to care. I am alone in this big bad world, and through my tough and cold exterior, I'm scared. I will never admit that though. Well I might. But then I would have to kill you.

I am not like every other person you will meet. I am probably the exact opposite. I bet your friends are all lively, bubbly people with sparkling, laughing eyes. My eyes are dead, I am quiet, reserved, devoid of emotion because over these 3 years I've realised that its not worth the effort.

My presence in this world is unneeded, and I am almost ready to go. Notice the almost. I do not fear death exactly, but it isn't really very... welcoming for want of a better word. I mean, no one wants the burden of death without some sort of closure on the mistakes and regrets of their life.

I have no bucket list, no last wishes. I shall be as happy as I can manage for my final days, and then I shall die gracefully, peacefully. Well as peacefully as a person with Motor Neurone disease can die. Yep, Motor Neurone disease. The big doctor word that basically means I'm doomed.

My only wish is to rediscover hope. They say it's everywhere right? If so, it must have skipped my life. So I'm going to find it now, at least. Lets hope there's a silver lining in those infamous rainclouds over the UK. Cause, me? I'm heading to London. Don't know how, don't know when, don't know why. But hey, my life is full unanswered questions. My goal? To find the solutions. To live in the moment. To learn how to hope.