They never complained when I jumped into a 5th Avenue taxi
without a Clive Christian perfume on –‘She probably dozed off in
Occupy George Clooney groupie.’
They never complained when I spilled a Starbucks cappuccino
onto a beggar’s limps – ‘The coffee beans are thoroughly roasted; at
least the mug has no Marie Stopes logo.’
They never complained when I peed outside a David Letterman
studio rehearsal – ‘She’s lucky Dave has a civilized temper, Michelle
Obama would’ve thrown far sexier tantrums.’
They never complained when I missed a Delta flight from
Africa– ‘At least her Chanel handbag was screened for Polio; what’s
the city anyway: Luanda or London?’
They never complained when NSA officers spied on their girlfriends
– ‘Stuff like this happens with unregistered marriages anyway; not all
bedroom wires lead to Edward Snowden.’
They never complained when Kanye West reversed her
daughter’s name to East - ‘Come’on Kim Kardashian is the mum; after
divorce she’ll be properly re-named Lohan.’
They never complained when Sasha and Malia snubbed the
White House peas garden – ‘Presidential daughters grow taller when
their dads are in decline. It’s not like a shitting drone has parked in the
West Wing.’
They never complained when Blackberry filed for bankruptcy –
‘Good news ye saints; Asia’s sweat factories will repopulate Detroit.’
They never complained when New York Upper East Side
donated sand to refill Florida beaches – ‘Come on you BP oil suckers;
there’ll be a hurricane, another to come and another.’
They never complained when Lance Armstrong fleeced his mouth
to six Tour De France scams – ‘Relax ladies; it’s about the
bike, the tracksuit and Viagra on spotlights.’
They never complained when Oprah couldn’t afford a 25k
handbag in a Swiss boutique –‘Nothing unusual; we resent her for fleeting
around with 25k under her passport folio. The Swiss are cleverer
than that.’
They never complained when Bill Clinton kept returning as Hillary
– ‘Piss the guy a break; some of us must watch the deck for Lewinsky.’
They never complained when The Hangover got Part 3 – ‘It’ll open
massively in Asia; at last our proper apology to Vietnam.’
They never complained when a Motown laugh became L.O.L –
‘Marilyn Monroe would’ve added adjectives to it.’
They never complained when I committed suicide on Twitter –
‘Pity, but it’s not like Instagram has defected to Beijing.’
They never complained when dogs sleeping on Luis Vuitton bags
received first-class seats in British Airways- ‘It’s a continental route guys, at
least we’re sniffing out asylum accents.’
BIO: THE WRITER RAY MHONDERA IS THE EDITOR OF www.ladiesweeklymag.wordpress.com
