I feel as if my family is crashing before my eyes. Like someone lifted my world in the sky with just one hand and dropped it on my shoulders. The fact that I have no one to turn to, saddens and angers me to no end. It's like, everything and everyone is changing because they've gotten older, but I have stayed the same. I have to go through this freaking emotional abuse everyday when I wake up, knowing there's going to be some type of argument. I wish things could totally, in a snap of a finger, go back to the way they used to be. But that will never happen. No one gives a crap if I grow up seeing and doing the things they are doing, because now that they're grown
All they care about is themselves.
It's a painful state of mind to know that everything is fading and there is no way to stop it. My dad, my mom, my oldest brother, and the one person who I thought would never change on me, my other older brother. But as this family goes, "Once you're 18, now you can change into a new, full, blown personality."
And forget the old one.
Sometimes, I feel as if I'm the only one experiencing this hurt because when I talk to someone I feel as if I'm speaking to an whole 'nother person. I'm trapped in this house, sometimes dancing, acting, on the computer, or simply talking to myself. I know, it's a bit freaking weird right? Yeah I talk to myself, I don't know why actually, maybe it's because no one pays any attention to me anymore.
Anyway, this family sometimes, and often sickens me to the bones. Like once they've all grown up, they never think about setting an example for the youngest person in the house. They never think about being a role model to me. All they care about is themselves, because you know why?
"They're grown"
If I had a nickle every time someone in this household has said it, I'll be more than rich. No one gives a damn about me anymore. I can't lie, they do only if I have been hurt physically. But mentally? And emotionally? (Sometimes emotionally, but only if it's in an argument. And sometimes, they don't even care about that) No, they don't care at all. I could go downstairs right now, and pour my heart out to them and cry and say I don't want my brother's smoking weed, it hurts me, and it's not good for you. My feelings would be completely ignored, and I would hear the old saying once again, "I'm grown." No one gives a flying turd about me, all they care about is their freaking selves, and it's corrupting me emotionally and mentally. I feel as if I'm not typing what I really want to say, because I experience so much and so many emotions from this family's new attitude and behavior. I can't stand it anymore. It's not that I wish I was in a different family or anything but I wish I was in the family I had 3 or 4 years ago. I wish I could go back in time right now, I'd take all the suffering I have endured since then, I would take every inch of pain I've suffered from those needles in the hospital, to have my family back. They don't know what they're doing to me, and it hurts because I know they don't care.
You know what, one time I was in school, in study with one of my brother's best friends, Phillip, and this discussion about alcohol use and drugs use came up. And then, me being happy and proud of my family, I go,
"Whatever, I'm just glad my brother doesn't do it."
About five people looked and me and just started laughing, but me of course, the love I have for my brother, I asked them why are they laughing? And Phillip, told me, "Yooo, I'm not trying to be mean, but your brother smokes weed." And I cocked an eyebrow and look at him puzzled along with this other girl as well who also agreed. But you know what I did? I denied it. I stood up for my brother, because my brother is the closest thing to me in the house. I love my mom more but my brother is the one who plays with me, actually stands up for me in arguments, consoles me, and we even fall asleep together. I could just cry right now about how many memories me and my brother have together, as far as making strawberry milk together to imaginary characters, we've done it all. But you know what? I made a damn fool out myself, I stood up for him, I even told the girl to shut up, because I believed in my brother when he told me he doesn't. My brother and I used to go downstairs hand in hand, and we would look at the pictures of me and my brother at summer camp when we were little and we would just talk about how much he's changed too, then we would talk about how our mom and dad changed, But you know what we promised?
"At least we still got each other." he told me.
"Yeah!" I said.
"I'll never change on you." he said.
"Yeah, we'll always be the same." I replied, then he squeezed my hand a bit tighter and we went to go eat cereal at 2:00 in the morning.
But guess what, now the joke was on me. I could be holding my brother's hand right now, while he chases me around the house, but instead, I'm sitting upstairs crying to myself as I write this and reminisce about our memories, while he's downstairs, outside
Smoking weed.
Another time when I was in the 8th grade, my two friends were having a discussion about their mother and father being separated, cheated on, remarried, divorced, etc. and then the boy I was sitting next to in History, turns around, from leaning back on the chair, and asks me,
"Jamira, are your parents remarried, divorced or se -" and I cut him off right there saying,
"Nope my parents are happily married." the SAME day I come home, my family argues and guess what?
My dad packs his stuff and leaves.
So it's crazy about the things I'm going through, and me repeating three freshmen classes as a sophomore isn't helping as well. Along with my sickle anemia. Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm 12 years old again, at Old Country Buffet with my family again. And what hurts me to know is that will never happen again. My mom and dad will never get back together, my brother's will never go back to their old selves, and I don't want to hear the old saying,
"Everyone's grown up." As much as that may be true, things never have to change because you have gotten older. Why can't things stay the same but you just get older in age? Why does your whole freaking attitude as an individual have to change? I hate it. If they can just be in my shoes, and realize what I'm seeing, and what they are doing to me, then I guranatee we would be the old family again, because they would stop their actions and stop being so stupid and love each other again. But no, no one cares about anyone anymore.
I like to go downstairs and look at all my family photos from back then, and compare them to now. I just shake my head and say to myself, some things will never be the same. But only time will tell.
And in the meantime, I have to be strong, though my shoulders are becoming weak, and less broad than they were before. I am ruined emotionally, spirtually, and mentally. But you know what?
I'm a warrior. And if I embrace these emotions that's what makes me a true warrior.
Remember, a miracle is another word for hard effort, and falling down is life. Getting back up . . . Is living. I promise you.
