The Overthoughts

[1]

4:24 a.m.

It's the reason she's the way she is

Constantly deliberating everything

Her mind never shuts off

But when it does

Her consciousness is at ease in a world of dreams

She can not blame anyone but herself for being this way

Maybe due to how the mirror always looks

Her fears resurface everyday

Each thump in her chest always increases in rhythm

Whenever a problem arises, she runs and runs

To block out every 4 a.m. thought and every constant fix she always makes

She says it is only calculating things differently

But in the eyes of someone else, they only see an average female

Never spectacular or horrendous but

Average

To which she has no one to blame for this

Each flaw never went by without notice, it's always absolutely scrutinized by her

Accentuated in her mind throughout the day

Plastering on a façade to keep the curious stares away

Much to her dismay, she has no reason for it being this way

Maybe social media or her parents' irreconcilable differences

She has no reason to cry, surrounded by 'luxury' as opposed to other things

Waking up everyday to repeat the same process of over analyzing every single detail

School feels like a hindrance

Unlike most who see it as a burden with constant paperwork and mental dilemmas

She sees it like a battlefield, a cage for nothing but constant worry

She doesn't want to but her mind won't let it be

Comparison stole her peace of mind

The self-loathing does not stop, she does not know what will

People don't bother acknowledging it as much as she'd like them to

Then again, the world does not revolve around her

She tries to keep her head up until the white door of her room closes

Yet privacy can never be found

Where is it?

Every little problem stops her when she tries to keep the tiara on her head from falling

Happiness has not really been found

She is saddened not knowing how to experience life the way it should be

Constant temptations set her back in time

With an unwavering faith but doubts here and there

Questioning why her world is the way it is

Why her mind can never truly stop thinking... thinking... and thinking

Why her brain is active and vulnerable at the same time

She is easy to fool and hard to remember

The one who glides by unnoticed while being the one who notices everything

Does it ever truly stop? She asks herself, only to never discover an answer

She can not recollect what it was like before the two she thought could never break apart did

Beginning to doubt everything and why it is so

She grows more and more exhausted each passing twenty four hours

'You don't do anything,' they say

'You have no occupation, to only wake up and go to sleep while filling in the gaps for yourself'

When really it's more than that

She can not fufill purpose when she doesn't know what it is

The blade of a knife has never come across her wrists

And it never will

Mentally, it's happened over and over again

Yet she blanks it out with earbuds and daydreams

She is not up and is always misunderstood

Then again, why should it matter?

She despises coming across as ungrateful, yet does anyway

Regardless, if atleast something about her is special, things might be different

But they are not

Pessimistic, spoiled, anxious

It's the cold reality of it

Deep down, she wants her own happy ending, knowing damn well it will not necessarily happen the way it does in colorless films

When really, all she wants, is for it to end

Whether it be sorrowful or joyous, extravagant or discreet

To be able to finally look in the mirror and not depress over flaws and think, it's not enough

But to finally feel content and satisfied with her mind, body, and soul

Acceptance