Inner Demons: Homecoming

Chapter 1: Despair

We will begin this by discussing an emotion I hold dear to myself; Despair. I'm sure many people have felt this but not to the extent I personally have, no, you see, I have felt some of the worst pains imaginable, but nothing can compare to the feeling of pure despair that i have felt throughout my life. Ever since I was a young boy, I was beaten by my parents, do you know how it feels to be afraid of the people who should be there for you? I can tell you now it's not fun. Not at all. But this isn't about being beat, no, that was just a tiny warm up, to zone me, to inspire me to discuss my pain in its fullest, this is about despair, and I'll tell you a story that might give you a tiny insight as to how I feel, every day of my life. I wake up like any normal person might. I go for a shower and get dried. Then I go to school. I do this repeatedly every day, like any normal person. But see, unfortunately thats how I'd wish it was. I get up every day, and I look in the mirror. For anyone with as low of self esteem as I do, this is misery. I want to love myself, but how can I when I'm not loved by anyone else, how can a student learn with no teacher? They can't. They can only try, but trying can only get you so far before you fall into another pit, another trap that sucks the life out of you, injects pain into your chest, every remark, every look, every smirk; it eats at my sanity. I try to tell myself it's going to be okay but is it ever that easy? No its like telling a dying cancer patient everything is going to be fine; because you know yourself it's a fucking lie, they know it's a lie, everyone in that room supporting them knows it's a big fucking lie. That's what human beings can't do, they can't help but lie straight to their face in an attempt to comfort them when in reality it's just a fucked way for them to ease their conscious in order to feel like a good person. We all know it's fucked to lie to them yet we do it thinking it'll help. You know how just the simple remark about how they'll get better will fucking eat away at them because they know themselves this is the end, thats how i fucking feel when I look at myself, no matter how much someone tells me I'm worth it, how they think I look good...it'll never derail my train of thought because I know deep down I'm a horrible peace of shit, no one will ever love a guy like me, no one will ever understand a guy like me. I'm just alone... in a world suffering silently by myself... feeling nothing but... Despair.