Through a girl's eyes

Boys.

C.S.
       Boys. They are beautiful. They make you feel alive. They are deadly. It's the simple things they do that make you feel like you're on top of the world. Phrases like, "you're so beautiful", "you're the only one for me", "I'd never hurt you baby". That's what gets me every time.  When they look into my eyes and compliment me and tell me what I want to hear and I just want more. More of that feeling I get when I catch them looking at me and smiling, more hugs and laughs about the stupidest things, more of everything with him. They don't even know the feeling I get because if I told them, they'd be satisfied with that and when boys become satisfied they begin to distance themselves because they know they have me hooked. Not hooked to them necessarily, but to that feeling.  There was a boy, or rather is, in my life that has said those exact phrases to me wooing me over. I became lost in him, in our conversations, our friendly exchanges, and that feeling we shared. That feeling he gave me is why I can't leave. Every girl has that one boy in their life they will ALWAYS have feelings for, no matter what that boy has done to them we each keep them close in fear of loosing them.  I'm in that situation now. Long story short, he cheated on me. I was so upset, lost, confused, and insecure thinking I wasn't good enough for him. This isn't true, it's the other way in fact.  He's not good enough for me. I know it's true, but I know I'll go back to him. He's done it more than once and I know better then to go back, but I always go back to him and I know I will. It's the feeling, the deep conversations, the way we care for each other, the simple conversations, the short pauses and exchanges we have in the hallway, it's him. The one boy who understands me like no one else has. This is the boy who is capable of breaking your heart. But he's also capable of giving you an unknown happiness that you didn't think you could have. This boy is my best friend and I can't leave him, I can't stop talking to him, I can't stop thinking about him. He has me hooked, like a drug. This addiction doesn't have a cure, at least not one that I've found. When this boy is around me I feel automatically happy if he is, or sad, mad, confused, stressed. What he feels, I feel with him and vise versa. Like I said, he gets me and I get him. He knows when I'm upset just by the way I start to talk to him and he won't stop asking until I tell him so he can make me feel better, or so he can connect with me and just support me through it. He knows me inside and out and it's scary. It's scary knowing that this boy who could walk out at any moment knows you better than yourself. That's why I try to push him away, and I've told him I'd do it. I stuck to my word and tried, and pushed, and tried again but he wouldn't let me. He said no matter what he would be there for me, that's when he proved himself by not allowing me to let him go. This boy forced himself into staying in my life all because he didn't want to loose me either. What a scary thing it is to be so afraid to lose someone you care so deeply and immensely for. This type of feeling and connection is different from the ones you have with your family and close friends, this type of connection is deeper than you thought your feelings could go. It's the feeling that can break your heart and change you forever. I'd say don't open your heart to this person in fear of something of happening, but I'm not. Instead I'm saying you better do it, there's nothing like having this type of connection with another human being. It's rather beautiful actually, to find someone you can really vibe with, someone who wants to do what you do, someone who wants to see what you want to see, someone who wants you like you want them. My heart still races when I get a text from him. It's what makes my whole day, just a simple "hey" and I feel good. But once the conversation ends, or he doesn't respond back I feel suddenly hurt, like I'm annoying him. I don't want to bother him but I have this need or desire to talk to him. If you're wanting to know what this is, you've come to the wrong place, I can't say what this is that I'm in or you're in. It's strange and honestly it sucks because all you want is to talk to them, see them, be around them and yet that boy doesn't want what you want anymore. We've drifted apart, and I'm aware of that but all I need is him back like how I used to have him. It's like I'm drowning and he's the breath of fresh air. He's the thing that saves me and he doesn't even know it, but he doesn't need to. I need to learn not to need or want him as much as I feel like I do. Honestly, it just sucks. That's the only word I can describe it as. Heres my problem, I have a boyfriend and he's not the boy I've been talking about. Don't worry though this isn't the only time I've had a boyfriend and thought like this. Every other boy I get with I still think about the one I've described, wanna know why? Because I'm not with him. This boy could have me at the snap of his fingers, but he doesn't even know it. But it's okay, because as soon as I realized I felt like this about another boy I ended it with my boyfriend. It wasn't fair to him and he needed more than what I could give him. So my piece of advice is, before you think you're ready to be with someone else make sure you're 100% because if not then you'll be stuck thinking about the wrong guy. Also, if you have feelings and I mean any type of feeling towards someone you should tell them. I told the boy that I've been talking about what I think and how I feel. It turns out he feels the same and he wants more than what I thought he did. So sometimes risking some stuff for something you actually want is worth it rather than just substituting it with someone/something else. So take risks, if you miss or like someone tell them. If not, you'll regret it and it's better to say "I remember doing this" rather than "I wish I would have done that".  Finding love isn't exactly rare, but finding love with someone who wants exactly what you want is just magical and something no one should ever miss out on. But if things don't go as planned, don't worry. There's another person, ands it's going to be someone worth the wait and the heartbreak. It's difficult to accept the fact like the one you wanted no longer wanted you, but in the end the outcome will be much better than you thought it could ever be. It will be worth all the pain you've went through, all the crying, all the endless days and nights you wait for that one person to call or message you but never did. It gets better. I believe this completely, if I don't I wouldn't make it.
S.R.
         The only way you can die without being dead, is loving someone who doesn't love you back. The separation will slowly hurt day after day. When you see him with another girl, your heart breaks all over again. You loose hope in him. You know he won't come begging back. Emptiness fills you. "How could I have been so foolish?" You ask yourself. Memories circle your brain night and day. You only let the tears fall when you hit rock bottom. You smile for the crowd. No one thinks you still are in love with him anymore. You try to move on. He looks happier than he has in a while. Knowing he is actually happy, you let him go. A guy comes along. He's sweet, caring, smart, and he seems perfect. Everyone desires him, but for some reason he only notices you. You have your walls up. You've been lied to, cheated on, left, and ignored. You've learned every guy is the same. Day after day you try to ignore the persistent boy.  Slowly but surely he breaks your walls down. You smile for real now. Joke after joke, laugh after laugh, you find yourself falling for him. Realization hits you. Desperately trying to save your heart, you push him away. You push away the best thing that has happened to you. We think we are protecting ourselves, but in reality we are cutting ourselves deeper. The only person who can fix it isn't around anymore. Boy after boy you go through. Once the feelings start, you back away. You don't hurt them because you've sworn to never do that to a boy. No matter how many times you've been hurt, you vow to never cause that pain on anyone else. You leave just as they begin to become interested. You try these boys in hope they will relieve you of your constant chest pain. It's no longer your first love who causes this. It's the first guy you hurt who does. The look of pain that flashed across his face when you left, haunts your dreams. Knowing you caused havoc on such a beautiful soul, causes your life to have a down spiral. You understood the pain he would have gone through. Everyday regret and sadness flows through you. People say you've changed.