Synesthesia

Drowning

CALEB

I was so glad that she was here.

And not with that lousy excuse of an aunt.

She walked downstairs in a pair of my mom's pajamas. (Her's were at her aunt's house. She had begged to go get them, but I wouldn't stand for it.) Her hair was a disheveled mess and her eyes were squinting in the bright sunlight of the kitchen.

She looked kind cute like that.

I scooted my chair over so she would have room to sit next to me. 

"Goodnight's sleep, I'm guessing?"

She twirled a piece of her hair and noded.

"It's funny...." she started.

"What?" I urdged.

"Everything is orange fireworks...," she said, laughing a little, "I've never seen so much orange."

I paused for a second, not really sure what orange meant.

"Orange means happiness," she added quickly, looking me in the eyes.

Then I could see it too, sort of.

You know when you close your eyes, and you focus really, really hard, you can see a color? 

That's what I saw.

Synesthesia must be a beautiful thing if it creates such amazing masterpieces. I can only imagine what she sees.

It must be stunning.

I gave her an awkward one armed hug.

"I'm glad you're happy," I said. I sounded so stupid. Why did she have to be so perfect, and strong, and interesting, and I was just boring, cheesy me? Gosh I was cheesy. I was just a ball of cheesy cheese.

"I'm just a ball of cheesy cheese," I said subconciously as I stared at the tablecloth.

She snickered, not in a mean or fake way, but in a real way.

"What?"

"Oh, sorry."

I started laughing, and so did she. 

"Why did you say you were cheese?"

So I told her. It probably was the cheesiest of al the cheesy things I've ever said. 

I told her how I thought she was so strong and beautiful, and I was just a cheesy mess.

She laughed a little, told me I wasn't that cheesy, then tiptoed up the stairs into the family room.

Why did she always leave me feeling this way? Like I had said something wrong or offensive? I hated it, but I knew something she didn't know I knew.

She had a war raging in her mind. It was about me.

~

A while later, I walked up after her when I was packing up my bag for baseball practice.

She wasn't there anymore, just a crumpled up scrap of paper where she should have been. I uncrumpled it.

"You said you would teach her

How to swim

But really you were

The reason she drowned."