My overprotective brothers

I wish it was me...

*warning this chapter contains self harm and suicide attempts/ may be triggering*

Chloe's POV
Why? Why am I alive? Why are my parents dead? Why are my loving parents in heaven and I'm still down here on earth? I deserve to be with them. I should be with them. I'm meant to be with them.
I simply laid on Cole's bed thinking about where I should truly be. I don't deserve to be down here when my parents are up in heaven; I should be with them, I should be dead. I have to die to be truly at peace. Warm salty tears streamed down my cheeks as I sat up in Coles bed, I grabbed the notepad and pen from the desk beside his bed and wrote down I the dirt blank page,

Dear Cole, Sam, Rickson, Leo, Milly, Ross and J. Thank you for everything you have done for me, you lot truly are my heroes. Never have I met such true hearted, kind, loving and just genuine people. You gave me hope that there are still real people out there and that reputation and expectation shave taken over just yet. No matter what it isn't your fault. You guys have been amazing and I am truly blessed that you guys stumbled into my life because if not I'm pretty sure I' would be dead from the amazing of times you saved me. The dude at the park, I would have provably been raped and killed of you didn't save me. When my brother slapped me, who knows what type of people wander through allies- if you guys didn't come I think I would have simply say there until I got kidnapped and killed. When Ang tried beating me up, so maybe I wouldn't have died because of that but you still stepped in and told everyone that we were friends which takes true courage. You knew I was a weirdo, a loner, the girl with to many brothers its abnormal, the orphan who everyone feels sorry for Etc... Yet you still stood up to Angelia and helped me so thank you so much, that shows who you really are you guys, it shows how amazing you people are. Thank you for everything with all my love and kindness Chloe Clarkson xxxxx

I read over it once more before tearing it out and stuffing it into my back pocket, I turned to the next blank page and wrote another one,

To my incredible brothers. Tom, Luke, Kyle, John, Liam, James, Louis, TJ, Jayce and Timmy. Damn am I one lucky girl to have you guys in my life. I know I am dysfunctional, difficult, weird, annoying, humerus, a pathetic sister, a loser, boring, really not funny, crap at texting back and I apologise because you guys deserve so much better than me. You deserve a stunning, co operative, talented, funny, cute, lively sister who never gives you a bad day. A sister who makes your life so much fun and solves all your problems with the click of her fingers. Unfortunately I am none of those things and I am not fit to be your sister. The one thing I did do though that I will never regret or never say I didn't because I did and that was love you. I love you guys so damn much that I have no words to explain it, their is not enough room in this universe for me to explain my love for you ten guys. You are all talented, bright, special, funny, lively, handsome, kind, open hearted, incredible boys who deserve the world. I couldn't ask for better brothers but I know I have let you down, I know I have caused you so much pain and harm because of my actions. I killed them guys, I killed my own parents kills me. It kills me so much I can't live with this guilt constantly eating away at me. Please don't morn over me, rejoice and be happy. I love you guys so fricken much, your baby sister Chloe cxxxxx

Tears streamed down my face and onto the paper as once again I read it over, torn it out and put it into my back pocket. I took to another blank page writing,

Shawn. My amazingly incredible best friend. I don't know how I got so lucky to stumble across you. Any girl would be blessed to have you as a boyfriend, best friend or even just a friend because your presence gives life to everyone around you. When you walk in the room every own automatically becomes happier and that is a true talent. You are a blessing Shawn and I love you with all my heart but I am just not fit for this world. I stutter, I cut, I have panic attacks, I'm dysfunctional and I am simply mental.... I think we all knew that was coming some day.... You deserve a perfect life, unfortunately if perfection was real I would be the furthest thing from it. I drag you down, I drag everyone around me down, I drag my family down and I drag myself down. I need my rope to be cut so you'll can be free because if I had one wish in life it would to make everyone in my life happy. Rejoice as I am safe now and I love you, with all the love in my heart please forgive me. Love Chloe Clarkson xxxx

I am really doing this, it's over. I read it again and start crying harder as I tear it out and place it in my back pocket with the others. Flicking to the next page I write my last note,

My dearest bitches: Lilly, Mia, Tia mad Lucy. You guys have no clue how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You have been there for me through thick and thin and I wish you the best in life. You are all beautiful inside and out so rejoice that. Don't be afraid to show people the real you because that is the person I love you. Be yourself and dare to be the best you. Go on adventures and no matter what please stay the best of friends because we all needed each other, we all get each other and that is rare. I love you guys with all my hear so see you in the after life, Chloe Clarkson xxxx

Done. I have finished all my letters. I re read it before tearing it out and putting it in my back pocket. Standing up I went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I look like crap to say the least but oh well. I splashed my face with water and taped myself dry before just staring myself in the eye, "goodbye" I whispered smiling ever so slightly. Combing my hands through my hair I tried to get it the least bit tamed before I slowly walked downstairs. A I got to the bottom I could hear music and laughing from the front room. I creaked the door open to see Cole, Leo, Rickson, Sam, Milly, Ross and J drinking and laughing. "Hey guys I have to go but I'll see you all soon" I say before being embraced in a huge group hug. "Bye love you guys" I whispered before shutting the front door and pulling my hood over my head to hide my face. No doubt my brothers would have called the police by now. Wait why would they? They all think I'm a murderer so I doubt they would even care. I took a slow walk over to this park I used to go to with my family including my parents every Sunday. I sat underneath the oak tree watching my family play. My brothers never truly knew what I was doing because I would simply sit their with a book or some music but really I would watch my sibling play with my mum and dad. I would see them laughing together and think how lucky I was, I know deep for a six year old right but for some reason it made me happier then I could be playing football just to think about the people I love being happy. I walked into the park and strolled over to my oak tree. My place of peace and happiness, I can still remember when I carved 'Chloe's calm place, I will forever love you mummy & daddy love you Chloe xox' it was two hours after my parents funeral. I can remember how many hours because strait after the funeral I came here because I couldn't look at my family or anyone to be honest. All I could think about was why my parents dead bodies looked like, horrible I know, after crying for an hour and a half I finally stopped and simply lied there. Half an hour later I felt a piece of bark fall onto my face, on it it had the number two but in terms side that faces the tree. Weird I know but when I looked to the space from where it fell I saw it as the perfect place to carve something so I did. Exactly two hours after the funeral finished.... A number two on the wrong side of the bark, funny hu. I good the letters from my pocket and pushed them into a price of bark that is slightly falling of so their is a small gap between the bark and the tree. Once the paper was safely in its place I walked to the river, not deep enough for boats to sale in but deep enough to swim or possibly drown. Just by my tree there is a small collapsed tree that makes a bridge.
Walking over the tree I got the centre. This is it, good bye world. Good bye family and friends and everyone I have ever known. Hello my parents and after life. This is what I deserve, to be with my parents, to be dead. With that thought in mind I put my arms out just as a shout comes from a bit away. It sounds like Ryder screaming my name but I ignore it as I look into the water that decides my fate, to live or to die. "Chloe please come here don't jump please Chloe just come to me and everything will be alright" Ryder must have caught up as he talks from the edge of the collapsed tree. "I'm sorry Ryder but I killed them, I killed my own parents. I don't deserve to live" I cry, I can hear sobs coming from where Ryder is. I turn to see its Ryder crying. I take one last breath saying "I wish it was me" before falling. I fall strait forward as I hit the water with such force pain instantly shoots up my neck and back. My arms and legs kick around as I start to panic as the air is failing in my lungs.
Then, silence, peaceful delicate silence. Bubbles swarm me in a magical ball of calmness. The water is still yet it's moving. My ears are thumping yet I am feeling nothing. I am in pain yet at peace. Black dots cloud my vision as I give up. My body shots down as I slowly sink to the bottom of this river that fathers bring their sons to fish at, where a loving couple come and kiss. This river that brings people so much joy yet has such a strong power as to kill.