All I knew was that I wanted to be someones everything. I wanted to need this person and I wanted them to break my heart so I could learn, so I could live. I desperately wanted to start my life now but it always seemed like my life was on hold. Pushing my way through school and constantly searching for someone to text seemed to be it. My life. I wanted to try something different. To be rebellious and to get things wrong, to have intense joy and make mistakes. I wanted to fall in love with somebody who loved me back, just to see what it felt like. Except I never got the chance.
Then I met Xavier and I took it all back. I wanted my life back, my old one. My lonely, mundane life. Not this new one, this bizarre life where I needed someone who could very well live without me. This wasn't the dream. This wasn't what I wanted, I was getting all the feelings without the joy. Without the feeling of being loved, I was just hopelessly and pathetically in love. And I didn't even get the good bits. This isn't fair, this isn't it surely? All this love fuss for this feeling? I know I was still missing out, my life was still lonely and nobody texted me first, still. But I was in love, and that sucked.
