Sex, lots of sex. That's what you'd expect after you found out you weren't going to be killed right? Nope. Not for this vamp. Uh uh I'm not that lucky. Instead of all the sex I ever wanted I got the cold shoulder and a map.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" I didn't even know the right way to hold a map.
"This is an immune map, do you see the places that are pink?" he pointed out the very large areas of pink just so I would get it "That's were there are not any known immune shelters and looking there is a last ditch effort. And if you would kindly look to the corner where there is a large color coated box and bother to read the fucking map, you can see that, that my dear, was a stupid question that was much beneath you."
"I'd rather have you beneath me." I mumbled to Mr. Snarky Pants
"What was that?" he looked at me out of the corner of his eye daring me to say it again.
"Fuck off."
"There's my girl."
"Why don't they just have a GPS? I can work a GPS." He didn't even grant me a look on that one.
After 'pouring' over the map for thirty seconds I decided maps sucked and I had not an ounce of interest in my whole body for it. So I made sex sounds. Very loud sex sounds. and as it turns out moans and some labored breathing really gets someone's attention, not to mention the other cars on the road that have their windows rolled down.
As he pulled the car into a deserted rest stop he looked at me with a pinched face. "What the hell is your problem Jules?"
"Oh so now I have your attention?"
"Yes, you have my undivided attention."
"Well that's just swell."
"You don't have anything to say do you. Now that your oh so elaborate plan has worked you have nothing to say."
"That could be true." How does one say please fuck me now in a non awkward way? I feel as though it all comes across very crass and as of right now I would much rather prefer to sound at least a little bit sexy and romantic.
"Seriously? We're wasting time so we can sit here and stare at each other in the this rest stop, which by the way if I wasn't already dead I'm sure this is the place I would come to to get dead."
"Come to get dead? That's the best thing you could come up with? Really Rico, I expect great things from you and your vocabulary, and honestly that was a true disappointment."
"Yeah well what can I say. The day was a tad bit stressful." I could almost see how he finished that sentence in his head, all because my girlfriend is an imbecile.
I couldn't really argue with the fact that I was a blithering idiot, especially after the award winning mistake I had just made, however-- wait, he hadn't actually said that. That was in my head. Okay so losing my mind was one thing I could check off of my To-Do list today. Go me.
"Well there was a reason for this stop, however, I am no longer sure you deserve the reward I was about to give you." I stuck my nose in the air just for some extra umph.
"So which was it, bushes sex or back of the car sex?" He didn't look particularily excited for either one, which was a little disapointing. What did a girl have to do to get laid around here?
When had I gotten so easy to read? I suppose the very loud sound effects could have been a slight give away. I took a minute to ponder my options. I could blow him off and say never mind, but at the moment he might say fine and just start the car and continue on the seemingly endless car ride, or I could give him a definitive answer and just act like a human being. Too bad I wasn't a human being and neither of those options sounded like fun.
"Both"
************
"Ow, ow. That's a thorn. In my ass. Ow. I repeat Ow." Rico whined like a little girl. No, that was putting it nicely, he moaned like a cat.
"Shhh, you're going to attract attention to us." So turns out other people also pull off into rest stops and having sex in a bush next to some very public restrooms wasn't our best plan.
"Shit, shit." I'd never seen him so scrammbled and freaked out before, maybe he had a thing about throns?"
I peered out of the bushes to see what he had been looking at before his starting searching for clothes.
"Fuck" There was a rather chubby, green looking boy totering over to the bushes holding his stomach.
"Bobby," The woman I assumed was probably his mother called. "Are you sure you don't want to use the bathroom?"
A stangled yeah is what I think he was going for but that hardly got out. His mother just shrugged and walked into the little cafe with the rest of her family. "Come into the cafe when you're done. We'll get pancakes." She called just as the door was closing behind her.
And then I had vomit on my back. I held in a shriek because I didn't really want the liitle boy digging into the bushes to find me naked and Rico with some socks and a T-shirt on. That must've been it because the next time I looked up I saw him sprinting for his pancakes. Seriously. Gross.
"Um, you've got a little something." Rico was trying pretty hard to not to laugh but even I had to admit, karma was a bitch.
"Fuck off" I tried to say it with a straight face, and not laugh, but seriously who gets puked on while having sex in the bushes? Who? I mean other than me.
