Hopelessly Hopeful

Part 1

It always began like this, the vicious cycle of discontent. You awaken in the early mists of the morning. A time when the sun has just begun to creep out from under the soothing blanket of darkness. Your mind and body ache. In a sense, it is a literal pain since you did stay up all night completing the daunting task of finishing up your homework. Yet, this ache calls for something more. This twinge runs deep in your mind, through your fingers and out your feet. It beckons you like a predator of the night. Like always, you ignore this.

At a steady pace, you begin to get ready for school, yet you can't shake this feeling. A feeling that maybe today would be the day. The day that something interesting would finally happen. You stop yourself from this thought process. If you've learned anything from your sixteen years, it's that hope is a wonderful yet horrible thing. To hope is like putting all of your heartfelt desires into an elegantly crafted gold trunk and watching it sink into the Atlantic. You've learned that instead of hoping for things, you work and make them happen. For you, that's the only way.

Staring at yourself in the mirror, you try to find the light. The light within your eyes. The spark that drives a person to do impossible yet remarkable things. You're just met with a dullness. All you see are eyes of discontent. You gaze into eyes that long for more. Eyes that thirst for adventure. You tell yourself, once more, not to hope. That hoping had gotten you here in the first place. You tell yourself to focus on school because what's the point of focusing on other things? Within split second, you realize that you're lying to yourself. You chose to accept this lie because the truth just sounds depressing. The one thing worse than a lie, is accepting one.

You walk onto campus proud and bold. Walking to class, you see familiar faces smiling and laughing. You wonder how people can be happy. The topic of happiness has always been a complex one for you. It's not that you're not happy, but never truly happy. True happiness lasts, yet the happiness you experience comes and goes as quick as a cool breeze on a summer day. What is true happiness anyways? What is this horrible yet tempting thing that makes people want to dance and sing and conversate about pretentious things. You continue to walk to class and accept the fact that you're just a boring and depressing person.

Finally, siting within the four walls, you wait to learn something profound or even philosophical. Unfortunately for you, you are met with a monotonous packet of information that you've already covered by your late nights of watching documentaries about the human brain. While others sit there and talk about parties and relationships, you sulk over your so- called life. People lecture you about living in the moment, yet fail to realize that you would do anything to get out of this ostensible precious time in you life.

Hours pass in a similar manner. Now, it's lunch. The core of social relations and gossip in high school. You sit with your friends and laugh and smile. You reminisce about a time, the only time that you felt happy and content. You and your friends walk around at lunch. You feel this sudden urge. An urge to do something. Something out of the ordinary; maybe even something crazy. Yet, the atmosphere contradicts your emotions. It's silent and calm. The sun burns down on to you. Something about the sunny still day seems haunting and unsettling.

Two more classes, you think. There's still a chance. Maybe you'll finally talk to your inamorato today or ace that test you think you failed. There's a chance that you'll be the star of that debate and not sink in the back like all the other times. Perhaps, you'll ignite the conversation for once. Who knows, something spontaneous may happen.

Like always, you impatiently sit in your last two classes, waiting to break this cycle of boredom. That feeling keeps you on edge. Nothing. The bell rings. You fill up with regret. You knew this was a bad idea. Your urges and feelings leave as quickly and suddenly as they came. You feel drained and once more, hopeless.

Once home, you cannot bear another second of this day. You cannot stand the sun which mocks you and the demolishment of your plans. You decide to take a nap. Your conscious mind may be dead awake, yet when you sleep, it flourishes like a flower in the dark. You dream about miraculous things and when you awake, you are disappointed to come to the realization that it was all just an illusion. The sun has crept back to it's rightful place and for once in the day, you can think. Really think logically.

You spend a hour or two doing pointless things and finally begin the tedious task of completing your homework. Once completed, you lay within the shadows of your room. You realize that hope, as wonderful and horrible as it may be, was the only thing keeping you going. Hope is watching that trunk filled with your innermost thoughts float. If it wasn't for the hope of a different and venturesome day, why would you even bother getting out of bed. If it wasn't for the hope of maybe finally being content one day, why would you even try. As you doze off to sleep and your eyes close and fall into a different realm, you hope that tomorrow, something interesting will finally happen.

As the sun begins to rise to a new dawn, for the first time, in a long time you feel alive, and that's when you realize that you have completed your journey from hopeless to hopeful.