It was indeed a harsh reality.
This is not a love story, nor is it a drama one. It's not a fantasy and a fairy tale, far from that.
If I have to categorize it, it's a comedic story.
A laughable story of an awkward guy awkwardly struggling over his awkward life with awkward efforts.
Yes, it's nothing but a comedy about his awkwardness and the harsh reality that stared back to him.
And this is my awkward attempt to mock all of his struggles so far.
I'm someone who trusts people easily. I'm someone who loves people easily. I'm an awkward person; I'm pretty weird, I think in a different way compared to everyone else, I like spending time by myself, I don't know a lot of things about the society and its people, I have trouble understanding people but would still try hard as much as I can, I would try to match someone's personality in order to please people even going as far as serving them in a way, and I'll try to hide as much of myself as I can so that I wouldn't be labeled as someone different. I'm aware that all of these are nothing but small, unnoticeable, awkward, and useless efforts. They may be useless in a lot of ways but they're the only kind of things that I know how to do, but for my current self, I don't have a choice but continue on as I grit my teeth and mature fast. Maybe it was because I lived some kind of sheltered life that I ended up this way.
This is my awkward self.
I'm weird person, I think in a different way compared to everyone else. I knew it was nothing special; there are a few more out there with the similar mindset out there. But because it wasn't the norm, there are still few of us. Yes, it's not the norm and in this world, being someone like that could mean an instant solitary life unless you have something special in you.
I started being afraid of loneliness. Sure I still like spending some time by myself but I started seeking people's love and attention. I tried getting along with a lot of people, trying not to be weird as much as I can. I started getting some attention but they felt empty. I realized that that wasn't the kind of attention I was looking for. They felt shallow, like small talks with people you barely even know. I started seeking for a much special attention. I tried to made friends, went along with things that they like to do, and matched my tastes according to theirs. I even went as far as pushing myself to become like them. It wasn't long till I trusted these people a lot. But taking on such a passive role was not enough. People started leaving me behind, talking behind my back, lying to me, and keeping secrets from me. I realized that I wasn't needed by people as much I needed them. It was a self centered thought, but even now, it was still what I sought.
It was indeed an awkward and fruitless effort.
I thought of exerting myself, but not to the point that I'll shoo people away. I found people who are into the same things as I am. I was happy with the feeling of being part of a group. I enjoyed this kind of life for a pretty long time. But at the back of my mind, I knew that being lied to was something that caused me a psychological trauma. I was able to trust people, but along with this trust, I searched their words and actions carefully looking for any inconsistency. If I find any, I would start being cautious around the person in question. But even with this, I went and lived life with the joy and company of having people that understands even a small part of the real me. Even with this kind of trust issue, I was able to play it off real fine, pretty impressive if I say so myself.
I lived like this for a while but because of not being able to fully exert myself, part of me was still unsatisfied. I thought to myself, what was it that I'm still not satisfied with? The answer came to me pretty fast. I still needed to feel needed. I wanted to feel wanted. I didn't want to be left behind again. I wanted to be someone useful to others. I needed someone who'll be afraid of losing me. I needed someone who needs me. I needed someone who can accept the entirety of me. I wanted someone to share my joys with. I needed someone I can fully trust. But most of all, I wanted someone who will take me with them, to incorporate me into their lives. I needed to break my shell but I was afraid to do it on my own. I needed someone who will do it with me and stay with me after I get out.
