Re-Do

Fake Bedroom

I look down at Lilian. Her strawberry blond hair hands over her eyes, which have been closed for the past half of the book. Smiling to myself, I gently set the book down to the side. I lean over, and gently pick up Lillian princess style, making sure her head is supported on my shoulder, and carry her to her bed. Luckily, she leaves her blankets at the edge of the mattress, so I can easily tuck her in with her favorite fuzzy pink blanket that she sleeps with every night. I would be surprised that it hasn't worn a bit since she was first put in my arms in it that day, but I remember that it isn't real. None of this is.
I watch the rise and fall of her chest, thinking of how peaceful she must be. She has never known what the outside world was like. Everything has always been perfect for her in here. And that is why I want to get out.
I gently get up, and silently tiptoe my way to the doorway. I turn, taking one last look at her, and quietly close the door. With my one hand on the doorknob, I reach the other opp and touch the small necklace I always wear. It is a thin gold chain, with a large wedding ring on it with the word "Forever" etched on the inside. I close my eyes and remember the first time I have held it like this. It was October 17th, a day we had both been looking forward to since he first proposed. We were perfect. We had everything going right for us. We were so happy when the first ultrasound came. But 'we' didn't make it. I made it, running with Lilian. I made it, crying, holding his ring in the hand that mine was supposed to be on. He couldn't have made it, always having to take out easy, due to his irregular heartbeat. It's kind of ironic, the heart that was so filled with love that it kept beating for our sake, was the same one that wouldn't let him come with us.
I rest my head against the door, as a tear falls.
Why?

There is no point in crying for him anymore, I think to myself. If I do, Lilian might see me one of these times. I repeat this, while wiping my eyes with an unsteady hand. 

I brace myself and pull my head off of the door, and turn around. He would want me to have my chin up high, and not to be sad. 

I remember how he used to sing to me, as we danced together in the middle of the night. I smile as I walk to the record player in the corner of the dining room, and play the song he used to whisper in my ear, but would never mention to anyone else. 

I swing by myself, to the slow beat of the music. Left, then a pause, right, pause, left again. Over and over again. 

As the last few notes ring out, crystal clear in the whole house, I hear something that is not part of the music. I listen closer, and realize it is the doorbell. 

Opening the door, I see a familiar face, framed by graying hair.

"Ms. Emily, what brings you to grace my door at this hour?"

"They need you again" she replies with a stern face. 

There was no use in denying the hospital-if I refused hours, they wouldn't give me any more.

"Okay" I replied, letting her in and rushing to go change into my uniform.