On The Ground (Lexa)

16.

"You performed your duty well today, Heda," Titus said after the war council had concluded and the coalition leaders had gone their separate ways for the evening. "Sentimentality did not stand in the way of your decision. As Commander, you must recognize that not everyone can be saved. Victory—

"Stands on the back of sacrifice," Lexa finished for him.

He nodded. Costia stood silently beside them, listening but keeping her eyes elsewhere. Lexa sat on the throne, the last threads of daylight disappearing into the horizon over Polis. Seeing the throne room empty gave her a sense of peace, as if just for a moment the world was not torn, and she was not fighting two wars between the clans and the Mountain Men.

"Today you sacrificed the few to save the many," Titus continued. "And you showed the ambassadors and generals of the coalition your strength as well as your wisdom. Although, I feel that allowing the Ice Queen to leave with her life was a mistake."

Lexa sighed, staring at the spot where she had executed the eldest prince of Azgeda. "Killing her would have turned her into a martyr. It would have done nothing but added fire to fuel the hatred of their armies."

"You're right," the voice of the first commander rang out in her head. She would have to get used to sharing her thoughts with the ranks of men and women who had come before her. For now, she was just thankful that it appeared only the first commander was speaking to her.

"Perhaps. Or perhaps it would have crushed their cause altogether," Titus offered. "The clans that fight for Ice Nation only follow them out of fear. And because not all of them believe as strongly as we do in the spirit of the commander."

"No," Lexa said. "If we are going to put an end to this needless bloodshed, we have to turn the five clans that follow Azgeda to our side. Killing the Ice Queen would not accomplish that. Once Ice Nation stands alone, they will have no choice but to surrender or be destroyed."

"How do you propose we do that, Heda?"

Lexa thought for a moment, wracking her brain to come up with a solution that no commander before her had found. "I don't know," Lexa sighed. "I must think on it."

"Very well," Titus replied. "I will leave you to your thoughts," he said, bowing and then sweeping out of the room, shutting the doors behind him.

Lexa was now alone with Costia, silence hanging like a thick fog in the air as the shadows from the fire basins danced on the walls. Lexa stood, wandering out onto the balcony to overlook Polis in the early evening moonlight. There was a cloud cover over head, obscuring the moon and casting the world in a dim gray glow. The air was cold, and Lexa could see her breath, and she knew that winter was upon them. Costia followed silently behind her, doing her best to maintain space between them.

"What's wrong?" Lexa asked, keeping her gaze fixed on Mount Weather in the distance, staring at something she hated to hide her eyes from something she loved.

"Lexa I— we can't do this," Costia answered, her voice trembling.

Lexa felt as if her heart was being squeezed in her chest. "You spoke with Titus didn't you?" she asked.

"It's not his fault. He is just doing his duty as Fleimkappa, and I must do mine as well."

"Where does it say that we are not allowed to have feelings?" Lexa asked, feeling anger rise in her voice. "Must our lives consist only of death and killing?"

"No," Costia whispered. "That's why you must change the way that we do things. You are the only person that can bring peace to the twelve clans, and I am nothing but a distraction."

Lexa kept her eyes trained on the mountain in the distance, holding back the sting of tears that welled within them. "Love is not weakness," she whispered.

"Maybe not," Costia replied. "But your people need you. You need to remain strong and focused. You need to put an end to the killing and the wars."

"What about what I need?" Lexa asked.

"Lexa," Costia said softly. She reached out, wanting nothing more than to pull Lexa to her and tell her how she really felt, but instead she let her hand fall back to her side. "I'm sorry," she said.

Lexa shook her head, letting her feelings turn to stone. "No, I understand. To be commander is to be alone. I know that now."

"Maybe one day, when you have finally brought peace to the clans, you and I can act on these feelings."

"Maybe."

"But right now, we must make this sacrifice for the sake of our people," Costia explained. She shifted her weight behind Lexa and pressed a gentle kiss to the side of her neck that sent shivers down Lexa's spine. "I'm sorry," she whispered in the young Commander's ear.

Costia turned and fled the room, letting the tears flow like endless rivers down her cheeks. She held back her sobs until she got out into the hallway, and Lexa listened as the door shut loudly behind her. It took every ounce of strength that Lexa had not to go after her and beg her to reconsider. She stayed rooted in place, staring out at the mountain as her own tears stung her eyes.

"To be commander is to be alone," she repeated to herself.

"A necessary sacrifice," the commander's voice within her head replied, reminding Lexa that she was never truly alone.

"When do the sacrifices end?" she asked.

"They don't."